book- old souls by Tom Shroder

This book just reaffirmed my belief for the existence of past lives. Yet as much as it answers some of my questions (eg: can people know their past lives without going through hypnotic regression/ do past lives really exist/how do you tell/ as much as I want to believe, I still kind of doubt it/ I am still skeptical) , it brought up more questions (eg: does everyone gets reborn/why can some people retain their memories like these kids and why do people like me have absolutely no other memories except maybe some phobia like being afraid of staircases possibly being linked to past lives?/how do one go through this process)

I really respect Ian Stevenson, his dedication to his research and the amount of effort he puts into his fieldwork and yet is so underrated by the public. While this is a free world (we can choose want we want to believe), I think reincarnation can only be a concept that is partially accepted by people. Unless there is really a definite mechanism (say like how you describe the Earth's hydrological cycle with the water evaporating into clouds then condensing and precipitating to Earth as rain), not everyone will accept this theory.

And maybe it's fine like that. just let this be a discussion, a contestation, an unsolved mystery of life.

movie- hotel transylvania

A cute animation movie. The premise is just basically about an overprotective father (Dracula) not allowing her daughter (Mavis) to have contact with humans/the outside world/beyond the hotel because he deemed the humans as dangerous etc. Alas, one human (Jonathan) found his way into the hotel and 'zinged' with Mavis! They fell in love at first sight!

Pretty much a common plot but it was quite well executed in this film. Very funny and entertaining. Though, I wonder what will come out of this human and vampire love. After all, Jonathan can't turn into a vampire (unlike Bella in Twilight series) so how will this love ends? He isn't immortal, unlike Mavis.

There's a hotel transyvania part II I think. They're doing a second series because of the good boxoffice results. I read that from wiki. Hopefully, they'll address that issue and personally I hope he doesn't turn into a vampire. Maybe they can try something new and turn Mavis into a human instead? Something like the little mermaid trading her voice for human legs, maybe Mavis can trade her fangs for normal humans ones.

Just a random thought.

movie-Alex Cross

I used to read the Alex Cross series last time when I was younger. Though, I don't think I finished it and could vaguely remember the storylines, I do knew that Cross's a spy/detective kind of guy that goes around solving crimes.

The movie was not bad. There's a twist at the end though, I didn't expect the person that they had been protecting to be someone that had hired the assassin to kill others but ended up not being able to control the assassin aka getting targeted by the assassin instead.

There were a lot of fight scenes, not my kind of show; I prefer reading fight scenes than watching them I guess.

And the part where Cross's wife died, I think that's a turning point in the movie for him, the part where his character unleashed. Because previously, he won't actively pursue the criminal (mostly he just protects his targets and encounters him) but this time after knowing he killed his wife, he was prepared to go for a final showdown with him. And of course, Cross won.

book- wild by Cheryl Strayed

This is one of the few 'autobiographical' kind of book that I read. I just finished this yesterday. It was a good read, a page turner. 

I think what Cheryl did was something that I'd really like to try once in my lifetime (eg: go hiking alone, backpacking etc) but the thing is she was able to do it because she was able to sort of 'let go' of her current city life in search of something/to recover something that she had lost/made sense of her life through this healing walk with nature. 

For me, I doubt so, asking me to stay a week alone out there in the wild will probably be the death of me. As much as I'll want/like to do this, I know I won't do this (if that even make sense). So yeah, I'm really happy that Cheryl finished her trail and shared her experience with us (maybe people like me can learn through her in this way?)

There was one part that really hit close to home, a part where she met this New age seer called Pat and their conversation went like this:

"The father's job is to teach his children how to be warriors, to give them the confidence to get on the horse and ride into battle when necessary to do so. If you don't get that from your father, you have to teach yourself."

"But- I think I have already," I sputtered. "I'm strong-I face things. I-"

"This isn't about strength," said Pat. "And you may not be able to see this yet, but perhaps there will come a time-it could be years from now-when you'll need to get on your horse and ride into battle and you're going to hesitate. You're going to falter. To heal the wound your father made, you're going to have to get on that horse and ride into battle like a warrior." 

I can really understand that. The importance of parents in one's life and what it means when one of your parent /either of your parent are not present in your life. The impact on you. How you'll be changed. 

Guess that meant self learning's necessary at times. Gotta teach yourself what your parents can't/won't be able to teach you. 

movie- red dawn

Red dawn's the third movie I caught this week. I didn't know it was based on a 1984 film of the same name. Basically, it's about North Koreans attacking the US and the citizens fighting back. I saw this in wikipedia:  "While in post-production, the invading army was changed from Chinese to North Korean in order to maintain access to China's box office". Oh right, like that solves everything? xD I think this plot itself is pretty sensitive already. The 2012 political scene isn't really very peaceful and with movie like these, sometimes I wonder if world peace can really be achieved? Or is fighting between nations something that is inevitable? That we have to be prepared for? 

I didn't expect Chris Hemsworth to die at the end though. Although his death was some sort of matyr (?) like thing because it spurred his brother Matt to takeover the leadership role and lead the resistance. 

movie- breaking dawn part 2 (twilight saga)

I'm glad that the twilight saga had come to an end. I loved the books but somehow the film's portrayal left me a little bit upset because in my opinion, the book's much better. And I think Stephenie Meyer's other work, the host that coming out in cinemas in 2013, is a much better work than the twilight sage but in comparison it's quite underated.

I prefer the host to the twilight sage. The host is really exciting with its concept and execution in the novel. the front part was a bit hard to get into but just hang on, it gets better! And when you reach the end of the novel, you won't want to stop. I can't wait for the movie! And the more I read about spirituality, I think the host is kind of related to that concept too. The similarities are jarring. Maybe Stephenie Meyer's spiritual too?! xD

Anyway, the twilight saga is over. The next big thing will most likely be the hunger games movie franchise. Catching Fire's coming out in Nov 2013! Yay!

book-life of Pi by Yann Martel

This is a heavy book. Be warned. You must be prepared to polish it off in one sitting and yet still feel unsatisfied. You will end up thinking about the story even DAYS after you had finish reading it.

This is how impactful the book is.

Stunningly written, it questions a lot on religion, life, god and the question of necessity, perception and faith.
Pi was a religious man, he believed in many religion. He just wanted to believe in god. That's pluralism and I can identify with that. Since coming into contact with spirituality, I'm becoming closer to thinking that there is no one definite religion, but perhaps just different portrays of one god/source of life (?) to different people through different gods and thus appealing to them to their different cultures and practices.

And yes, Pi has a really strong sense of survival. Surviving 227 days afloat the sea is no mean feat, although in the end we knew how he did. The ending is open to many interpretations. How I interpret it though was that there were no animals on board. I mean the animals were all locked up in their cages and placed in the cargo at the bottom of the ship. Should the ship have sunk, the animals were the first to perish-they can't escape from their cages, much less swim to the surface into lifeboats. So I don't believe that the animals were really there. I'm more inclined to the second story, whereby each animal represents one character- the zebra as the sailor, the orang utan as Pi's mother, the hyena as the cook and Richard Parker as Pi.

With this newfound knowledge (and reading this book after the movie), it was really tough reading it, knowing when the animals injure/kill each other were actually between humans made it harder to stomach. And also the parts on cannibalism, the ethnics-whether it was really justified to do so were also brought up in the story. The drive of necessity, the lack of food made humans resort to animal like behaviours, killing one another and yes of course- only the strongest survive. Isn't that the Darwinian theory that many of us are familiar with? The survival of the fittest. And yes, Pi's very fit. There's the animal side in him, the Bengal Tiger Richard Parker side, that will do anything to survive.

It's kind of like a split personality for Pi. He had to acknowledge the presence of an evil side of him (the tiger) because that's what keeps him alive. The meat eating tiger side. The vegeterian Pi will not be able to survive alone out there. He needed the tiger. And the tiger needed Pi so that he won't go insane.

A very heavy book. I will have a hard time getting this out of my mind.

Some quotes that I like from the book:
"To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."

"If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” 

“You might think I lost all hope at that point. I did. And as a result I perked up and felt much better.” 

“You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.”

“If there's only one nation in the sky, shouldn't all passports be valid for it?” 

movie- life of pi

It's a really awesome movie! Probably one of the few movies with so few casts (less than 20 actors I think) and most of the time it's just Pi on the ocean. It's stunningly filmed. Lee Ang's really a superb director. It's visually appealing and the story moves very nicely- every part is significant to the story.

I kind of knew the ending before watching so it spoiled the twist (?) at the end. I was so into the movie that I went to read the book! I must say the movie really lived up to all its great reviews and it really did justice to the book.

An awesome adaptation from novel to film. A must watch!

movie-Captain America

I've wanted to watch this last year when it first came out but didn't so I've just watched it on DVD. It's cool, I really like the setting of the story-the retro but yet very 'high tech' early 20th century. I found it endearing how Captain America (Steve Rogers) was not someone born a superhero; but someone who was given the chance to by people who believed in him (the scientist) and allowing him to undergo the experiment to make him  a 'super soldier'.

I guess in life it really takes someone who appreciates you (?) to bring out the best in you. Be it Captain America, the Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, etc- no man's an island. They need support and encouragement from others to carry on.

The ending was that he woke up 70 years later after crashing the plane with weapon of destruction into the sea. I'm guessing he's so much injured that he needed 70 years to recover (that's also because he has 4 times the recovering capacity of humans) and not die off. And yeah, the love story's sad too. He missed his date. I would have loved to see Agent Carter together with him.

Hope he'll be fine too in the 21st century. I believe he will- after all he's the Captain America.

book- many lives, many masters

Another book that I've read that's revolving around the topic on death, past lives, reincarnation and spirits. It just reaffirms my beliefs I guess. And yes, I'm really thankful that there's many research going on about this, books being published on this so that we all can find out more about all this.

I'm curious to know about my past lives, but I'm kind of scared as well. I don't think I'm ready to know about them yet although I suspect some of my fear and phobias (being afraid of horror movies, afraid of the dark, afraid of alleys) are possibly linked to them.

Oh well. The time will come when it's time for me to find out.

Patience. Patience. I need to cultivate my patience.

book- Journey of Souls by Michael Newton

I've always been pretty curious about topics on life after death, reincarnations, immortality and the metaphysics, the spirituality stuffs.

I think reading this book really changed my life, I can feel myself changing. I believe in the contents of this book (I've always been a firm believer of reincarnation) but some contents in this book really opened my eyes.

I'm really fascinated with this new found knowledge. Is it really possible that we're here on Earth just for lessons? And that even if we fail this lesson it's okay? And that whatever we do it's okay because we're all actors on a stage and it's okay to screw up your role sometimes?

It really gives me comfort, knowing that this life is not all that I have. I can do my best and yes I may screw up sometimes but that's okay. Because I still have other chances to try again, other opportunities to go for it again, to learn what I'm supposed to learn perhaps in another setting, in another lifetime. It offers hope. And also diminishes my fear of death. I find myself being more accepting of myself and others as well.

And that we are one. If we inflict pain on others, we will suffer the pain as well ultimately. Life's not a zero sum game.

//
I'm definitely getting my hands on other books by Michael Newton soon, I'm still interested to know more about his research on this area.

I've just spent my whole reading week on this spiritual findings thing that I'm fascinated about, reading three books in a week gosh. Oh well. I will survive my finals! I can do it! And the finals is just a small scene in my life. Don't sweat it! You go girl!

movie- wreck it Ralph

I LOVE IT. I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH I HAVE TO USE CAPITALS TO EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR IT.

Yes, it's official. This is one of my favourite cartoon movies EVER. I knew I have to watch it just from the trailer. It's plain awesome. So much takeaways and learning can be done from this funny and enjoyable movie!

I'll start with the characters. I love all the characters!! Even the 'bad guys'!! Yes, people are not what they seem to be. Never judge a book by its cover! Ralph's the 'bad guy' in his game- fix it felix (felix's the good guy that saves whatever Ralph wrecks and he gets hilariously thrown off the building at the end of every game) and he's sick of his label as the bad guy.

So he decides to redeem himself; by getting a hero medal and being a good guy for once.

And so he embarks on his journey by game skipping, eventually meeting another outcast in her game Venelope who's unable to race in her game as she's a glitch.

I've enjoyed their scenes together a lot-Ralph and Venelope. Somehow, they complement each other and they find solace in each other too. It's really sweet.

And of course, the other unexpected pairing -'Dynamite Gal' and Felix. I laughed so much whenever they're shown together, they're so incompatible that after a while you don't find them incompatible but you find them cute in a weird kind of way.

And of course Turbo, how do I put it, he's in every single one of us. How envy could really drive us to make bad decisions and inflict pain on others but eventually we will be the one who suffers. A good learning point.

Let me end with this, my favourite quote from the movie. It's the 'bad guy' mission or something like that.

"I am bad; and that's good. I'm not good; but that's not bad." 

There's no absolutes, (no one's totally bad/good) and that's fine. Not everything's black and white. Cheers for the gray area!

movie- the rise of the guardians

It was an enjoyable movie, very suitable for the young especially. It's the good vs the evil plot but nonetheless I found it pretty enjoyable. Santa claus, Jack Frost, the Tooth fairy, Sand man and the Easter bunny were all portrayed differently from the usual that we see in fairytales. Especially Jack Frost. I find his character very enduring. His search for identity; for acceptance, isn't that what many of us are searching for as well?

And also to commit oneself to a purpose (in his case saving all the kids and their dreams) was a really happy ending. Afterall, not all of us know what we're really living for in life, not to mention even find a purpose that's worth committing to.

I hope I can find my purpose in life soon. I'm pretty impatient.

spiritual law- the law of perfection

The Law of Perfection: From a transcendental perspective, everyone and everything is unconditionally perfect; from a conventional viewpoint, perfection doesn't exist-excellence is the best we can achieve, and achieving it takes time and practice. 

My perfectionist streak is something that I always struggle with. I want everything in my life to be perfect but alas that's not possible and when the reality differs so much from my ideals, I get very upset and disappointed. The problem is that total perfectionism doesn't exist, I was striving for the impossible and thus setting myself up for endless disappointments.

I knew it, yet I couldn't break out of this. It was so bad that it crippled my life, I was procrastinating, avoiding because I just didn't want to face the truth.

The truth always slaps you in the face at the time when you most needed it.  And yeah, that tight slap really woke me up.

It was a wake up call, my depression. I think and still believes that everything happens for a reason, we just don't know it now. Perhaps in the future we will look back and understand the significance of certain life events but right now, all that we can do is to just press on.

I'm working hard on pressing on.

"Self improvement comes from a place of prior acceptance rather than a condition of self-worth."

I realised I've been pursuing many superficial things in life-status, recognition etc. Ultimately, we can only receive so much from others. What we really need is total acceptance of ourselves, to love and accept everything that we are and that we aren't.

I'm still learning. I'm positive I'll slowly come to appreciate the perfection of impefection.

self reflection #1 from reading the book the live you were born to live by Dan Millman. 

book- the live you were born to live (Dan Millman)

I went to the bookstore today to get some new nonfiction books to read. I'm glad I bought this book. It sure has been an enlightening read. 

I'm sure many know of the concept of numerology but the system that Dan Millman had devised was slightly different from numerology in the sense that it links our birth number with spiritual meanings. What we were meant to do on earth spiritually, to learn and to overcome. 

Reading this book had been very therapeutic, perhaps even more so than going to the psychiatrist since I have a hard time opening up to others but reading and understanding myself and my issues through a book has always been a good way for me to learn how to resolve life issues. 

I'm slowly learning about life and most importantly ACCEPTING life and not resisting it since it's the resistance that's causing me so much pain and suffering. 

Will post a more detailed thoughts on this soon. I need more time to digest on this. 

Seriously, books are the greatest invention ever. 

movie-in time

In time's a movie that I've wanted to watch last year when it came out. Sadly, I missed the showing so now I'm watching it on DVD. I still prefer watching in the cinemas though, it's so much better with the bigger screen and sound system. 

I like the concept of in time-it's a really interesting dystopia setting, with money being the future currency and also dictating how long one can live. The rich live longer since time is money while currency is still money, and the poor die when they run out of time (money). It shows the 2 leads trying to go against the system by robbing banks for time and giving it away (kind of like robinhood in my opinion; what they're doing is illegal but they're doing it anyway in the name of 'justice' as they see it).

There are many points in this story that I can't help wonder. How did this governing system come about? Is it even possible to genetically engineer humans such that everyone stops aging at 25 and the timer on their hands will show their future lifespan? Isn't it scary to see your life ticking away on the clock (especially if you're poor and hence out of time). It brings to me the concept of knowing when you're going to die-is that good or bad? Will you live a fuller life if you know when you're dying and hence perhaps waste less time? Or is it that because you're running out of time (for the poor), you get so worried etc and live very stressful lives while the rich (with plenty of time) can afford not prioritising anything in their lives at all since they have centuries? 

Kind of like the vampire conflict isn't it. Being immortal and hence losing touch with what it means to really be a human. But what really defines human? If humans are engineered so much that their livespan can be controlled, then are we still humans? I feel that'd be more like robots.

Maybe this whole thing may just end up being an experiment (like how it was in maze runner) and then there's another world outside of this in time setting. 

Just a random speculation. Then we can have a sequel. 

Movie-Argo

Watched Argo yesterday. It was definitely a thriller and I was kept on the edge of my seat most of the time. I wanted the operation to succeed so bad but at the same time there was this little voice that told me not all secret rescue missions end up successful.

I'm glad that the one portrayed in argo did though. 

The film set me thinking a bit about life as well. (as do all other movies, since my brain likes to think so much about everything that it drives me crazy) The uprising and riots brought to my mind about the recent Arab springs. It seemed like although we've progressed through time, and decades have passed, some things in life still keep recurring. 

things like war, conflict. What really is the price of peace? Is peace even achievable in the first place? 

On the other hand, I'm awed by how people can still stand by their beliefs (like the house maid) despite going against the majority. To do that requires a lot of faith and courage. And of course, the main lead in the movie, Tony. Kudos to all those putting their lives on the line for others, and possibly receiving not much recognition for their heroic deeds too. He's risking his life not for his family (which most people will do I guess) but for strangers that he do not know who were kept as hostages in a foreign land. To do a rescue mission like that really requires commitment, faith and the believe in something bigger in yourself and that other people's lives do matter. 

//

on a random site note, I'll get started on the Life of Pi. The trailer's wonderful and the scenes are really pretty. I can't wait for the movie! 

5 things to do when you can't sleep

Sounds familiar? This is so me. It's 2.30 am now and I'm still wide awake. I think part of it is because my sleep's cycle is completely screwed and I slept too much; I woke up at 12 pm today, so technically I had only been awake for 14 and a half hours.

Below are 10 things I'll do when I can't sleep. Feel free to adopt any of the 'useful tips' below:

#1: Listen to music

If I'm desperately in need to sleep asap, I'll listen to some classical music- no offense but I think they're really soothing and can help me feel sleepy quickly. I love piano pieces a lot especially Yiruma's piano performances. Pieces like 'kiss the rain' is a perfect lullaby for me.

Alternatively, if I don't feel like sleeping as yet, I'll listen to some upbeat Kpop songs. I'm an avid kpop fan. I find the cheesy bubblegum pop lovely and even the soulful ballads appeal to me. I'm recently addicted to Shinee's newest Japanese single 'Dazzling girl'. It's been on replay for the past 2 days.

#2: Get work done

This happens only on rare occasions (aka last minute datelines), I'll be rushing out my homework/tutorials/ projects before the dateline/meeting the next day. It's strictly not advisable, but old habits do stick. I find myself weirdly productive from 10pm onwards until 4am the next day. I have very steep working curve during those hours and even if I'm rushing out stuffs, they 'flow' to me. Identifying your productive hours are necessary.

Mine just happens to be around these hours. Probably don't help with my insomnia. I could probably change them if I want to, but the inertia to change is just so great. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

#3: Read

This has to be my favourite! I'm a huge bookworm. My weekends are mostly spent holed up at home reading. I've spent this weekend of mine finishing 2 books, a book on past lives and another on the Myer-Briggs Personality indicator. I read a lot and spend a lot of money on books too. It's a great hobby of mine, and I'm really lucky to have my mum who's so supportive of my reading endeavours, paying for my books and all.

 And yes, reading do keep me more awake at night. It's not advisable to read before bed times as it'll probably keep you more awake (thinking and reflecting on the plots etc) but personally I find reading before I sleep something I'd like to do to 'conclude my day'. And I have this urge to finish a book in one sitting every time I hold onto it, especially if it's a page turner. That usually takes me at least two to three hours, and I end up sleeping late. Sigh. Yet, I'll still find reading worth sacrificing some of my sleep for.

#4: Eat

Cook, look around your kitchen for food etc. If I'm really hungry at night and can't sleep, sometimes it's due to the hunger keeping me awake. I'll get some drink (milk, don't drink tea/coffee, it makes it harder to sleep), and probably cook some instant noodles to eat too/have bread. With a full stomach, it's easier to sleep.

#5: Check facebook

Do some facebooks surfing and take comfort in knowing that you're not alone! There are bound to be night owls about (just check your online friends!). Start a chat, do some catching up with your online friends. And maybe after a while into the chat and the say 'gtg, I'm sleeping', you'll be peer-pressured to sleeping as well.

Comparison is the thief of joy. -Theodore Roosevelt

//
It is in human nature to compare. We compare to gauge ourselves, to judge others, to find a foothold that we have in the situation that we 're in. It's hard to compare. It's almost an instinct for us to do so.

As a result of comparison, we may get jealous/envious/upset if we're less fortunate than others. That robs us of our joy. Even if we did emerge 'better' after our comparison than the people that we compared ourselves to, this 'joy' is perhaps superficial, and robs us of the true 'joy', that we can achieve.

We just need to be contented with what we have; be thankful for what we have.

While we cannot stop comparing (it's just silly to force ourselves not to do/berate ourselves whenever we compare), I guess the awareness that you're comparing will make everything fine. As long as you're aware that you're comparing, that's all that matters.

The truth is that everyone's gonna hurt you. You just have to find the one worth suffering for. -Bob Marley

//
I reckon everyone includes you yourself too, isn't it?

Not everyone has a sob story, Charlie, and even if they do, it's no excuse. -Charlie's Dad

//

Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve. -Bill, Charlie's English class teacher

//

Wise words indeed.

book-the perks of being a wallflower

I can be quite driven when it comes to things that I'm interested in. After watching the perks of being a wallflower movie yesterday, I went to buy the book today and finished it in one sitting.

I didn't like the vague ending in the movie, so I was hoping for a more detailed one in the book. I was pretty satisfied with the book's ending. It showed promises of Charlie getting better, being more accepting of himself and most importantly, hope for the future.

The movie was true to the book too, many of the important scenes in the movie were the main gist of the book.

//

I bought another 2 book today! Cloud Atlas and the gathering. The synopsis for cloud atlas sounded promising, will be starting on that book soon!

After reading the perks of being a wall flower, I'm suddenly more interested in coming of age stories. I've yet to read the catcher in the rye, I should probably get started on that soon. I used to only like reading non fiction, inspirational kind of books, but recently I've been reading a lot more fiction and being more balanced in terms of the genre of books that I'm reading. That's good!

//

On a side note, I cleared my room today! My table's neater now and I can use it to do my work properly and not have to stash stuffs here and there to make space. I guess clearing up stuff does make you feel good like how the happiness project advocated, but I've been putting off organizing my stuff so I'm really glad that I made time today.

//

Read a magazine review on yummy burgers. I want one now!

movies- the perks of being a wallflower

I've wanted to watch this movie for a while ever since the trailer came out. The title appealed to me a lot. The perks of being a wallflower. So oxymoronic right? What perks could there be by being a wallflower? Wallflowers aren't being noticed, so what benefits are there being one?

//
I am a wall flower. I think so. I've gone through high school being pretty much a low profile person. I don't mind. But being frank, sometimes I do wish I can be noticed, well, probably not as much as I hope to be appreciated. Charlie in this movie really struck a chord with me. He's like me in many sense, trying to figure out one's place in the world (or school for that matter), holding up and trying not to break down, wanting to have friends, make friends, and when you have friends, you're so scared of losing them.

It's an endless cycle.

This teenage thing really made me reflect a lot on those days. My school days were pretty drama free (unlike Charlie's) but on many levels and occasions, I felt like I could understand him.

Understand how he felt so desperate in finding friends, hoping to be understood, have company and just not be lonely. not be a lone. not be the loner kid.

But what's wrong with enjoying your own company right? We need alone time sometimes. Some down time. Some your own time. Solitude.

In this era where everyone's connected and everyone else seems to know every other people, you do feel the pressure to keep up. I don't know, I guess I'm kind of the rebel. While at times I'm pretty desperate for friends, other times I'm just indifferent. I'm just tired of trying so hard.

//

I'm happy for Charlie though. In the end he's recovering well with the help of a psychiatrist. And I like his friendship with his English class teacher. It's always good to have a mentor.

He's busy participating.

I guess I should too.

While I enjoy watching from the sidelines, maybe I should just try and enjoy the game too, shouldn't I?

22/10/12

Things fall apart so that they can fall into place.

//

Is that really true? If it is how true is that? Will we even know if it is? How do we even tell if it's true?

//
My life fell apart (in my own sense) a year ago, in June 2011. I was too worried about my results, worrying about my college applications, stuffs along like how am I going to get into a good college with the current lousy grades that I have... I kept pushing myself, too hard, too long and then finally that day in June, I broke down.

I cried, for a long time. I haven't been able to cry for myself for the past 5 years.  ( I could cry over sad movies and books etc but I couldn't cry when I felt really bad inside). I lost my ability to cry for myself somehow. I would just feel really bad inside me, like my heart's getting squished up, and I couldn't really breathe/think and that sadness will just swallow me up. Even then, I can't cry. So I will resort to eating really spicy stuff to just get myself a block nose so that it felt like I cried.

But that day tears just fell down. I literally cried a lot a lot. It was releasing, refreshing even. But I knew I needed to seek help. So I did. I went to a psychiatrist. I wouldn't say I've recovered now, I think I'm better. Even so, there's the fear of a depression relapse. But really at the end of the day, it's all in my mind right? Only I can control my thoughts, which in turn affects my feeling. It's all up to me.

//

I don't know if this breaking apart came at the right time/should it have even come at all? But I knew I needed this, I was too stuck in the rat race, too results obsessed that my life and self esteem depended so much of my academic results. I guessed this episode made me change my outlook in life. I'm still slowing picking up those broken pieces, and trying to come to terms with them.

I think the most important thing is loving yourself, accepting who you are, who you really are and not who you pretend to be. And to be at peace with it.

It's hard to love yourself fully, but I'll work hard towards that.

If I can't love myself, how can I know how to love others right?

Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. -Albert Einstein

//

Please don't be that fish.

Movies-Taken 2, Looper

Taken 2 was a pretty exciting action film. I didn't watch the first installment, Taken, but can follow up with the storyline just fine. I even googled for the synopsis of Taken in the cinema secretly haha.

the conflict is mostly centred around revenge, and perhaps about love too, how love can be so great you'd risk your lives for others?

Isn't it how ironic people can be? We were taught to treasure lives but in movies they depict killings so simply, killing people were like killing ants. Were those people who died really that insignificant? They were in the context of the film, but I can't help just thinking about life in general? What/Who gives you the right to kill? Even if you're doing it to protect your love ones/for revenge/for your job as a cop etc, is killing ever justified? Sure, when we justify anything, we're judging them with values of our own. Is that okay, or maybe it doesn't matter anyway. It happened, will happen and will continue happening anyway. People die and there's nothing that we can do about it.

Which brings me to another movie that i watched the same weekend-looper. It was awesome, albeit a bit mind boggling with all the time travel stuffs, leaving you brain fried at times trying to figure out the plot. That again, I was appalled at how people were killed so insignificantly again. Like their lives don't matter. It's probably true but it still hurts.


I know I'm thinking too much, it's just a movie(s). GET OVER IT.

19/10/12

I've been having this nagging feeling in my heart. It hurts but I have no idea why. Or probably I do subconsciously and that I'm consciously ignoring what I'm feeling? It's awful, this confusion;helplessness;restlessness...

//

My depression's probably relapsing again. In the first place how do you really know if it's depression right? It could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, you think you're having depression and the more you think about it, the more entrapped you are, the more you're stuck. And if that happens, is it really depression? Or is it that this cynical take on life is actually a by product of all the experiences that you had that you never feel the real need to do anything anymore? That heck if I'm depressed so be it? Cos I'm already too well over to care? 

//

What's the purpose of life? What's my purpose in this life/lifetime? Do we even have any purpose for us that may be dictated by God/our maker/something like that that whatever we do is futile and nature will always take its course? Or do we really have control over our destiny like how people claim? And how do you know/affirm that whatever purpose you have in life is the right purpose? Is there even such thing as a right purpose? Does it really matter if you have no purpose? Do we need purpose? Can we live without purpose?

//

It irks me about how insensitive people can be. Or maybe I'm just to sensitive/emotional. What's wrong about that? Perhaps it's just my insecurities that's more worrying than how people really judge me. Why should I care right?? I wanna tell myself that, but what the head wants totally differs from where the heart goes.

//

Is it possible to feel no love? What is love anyway? There're many types of love but is there really unconditional love? I'm just so tired... Tired to love.

//

I need more optimism. Life will get better! It's not a bed of thorns. 

//

School tomorrow. Another day blending into the next...

//

I should probably sleep soon. Sleep all my worries away. 

//

Live in day tight compartments, girl. Remember that.

//

And stop comparing yourself with others. You're enough. Stop wishing you have what others have/want to be like someone else etc. You are uniquely you. Of course you have flaws but you also have strengths right?

//

Believe in yourself. Have faith. 

//

Life goes on.