Patience...

Came across this prayer as I was googling 'having no patience with everything'.

I find myself very impatient and hot-tempered easily these days... And it worries me. Like I'm not able to be tolerant or anything. It seems like I lost my ability too, as if I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

And that scares me.

\\

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves ...

Don't search for the answers,

which could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,

you will gradually, without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

rainer maria rilke

I know I've got lots of unresolved issues and sometimes it hurts so much to delve deeper into them and realising how shitty everything is/how much of a failure I am/why am I so loserish thinking about how epic of a failure I am.

This has to stop.

 

Random musings

Have been reading a few books here and there...

I don't know if I'm reading to relax as a hobby or using it just as a means of escaping the reality...

Actually do why I read even matter?  As long as I read right?  Since books to me are like mental and spiritual food...

Just recently confirmed that i'm a highly sensitive person.  Am still learning to come to terms with that and accepting myself for who I am. It has been pretty painful.

The conflicting tendencies in myself just sometimes are too much to handle.

And school is getting way too dreadful. I know I'm blessed with the chance to get a college education and all that blah blah blah... but sometimes I just just can't do it anymore

And no is a sufficient statement right?  I'm resisting the urge to say no to everyone and everything and just trying to use my 'no's discerningly.

Angst

Just really angst and having trouble with my emotions.  Getting angry and upset way too easily.

It makes me feel that life is so pointless... I don't want to be defined and limited by my depression but at the same time it feels so freaking stifling and way too much to deal with.

It's not that I hate my life. I'm blessed and there are things to be thankful for. It's just that the idea that everything is temporary makes me lose the will to fight.  I feel like giving up, too tired from all the struggles.  But also, the idea of giving up disgusts me as I had already come so far. 

Praying.

To myself and others out there!

Stuck

I've been way too emotional lately ... just when it starts getting better I feel like I'm down in the pits again...

I just feel so hopeless about myself about my future about everything.  And yet I know this shouldn't be the case...

I force myself to think more positively but is that act making myself feel even worse cos I can't measure up?

And I still struggle so much with comparison.  Comparing myself to others. It's like this disease that's so out of control. 

I'm tired.  I'm so sick of it yet. But it still hang on and I keep faking. I don't know how to continue anymore.

I'm stuck. 

Reminders for self

Inferiority complex

Self esteem issues. Sigh.  I'm just so tired everyday and yet I don't sleep well...

I guess I compare too much. Comparison is the thief of joy. Yet, I'm kind of addicted to comparison.  Always wanna know how I stand in relation to others and I will always come out short,  feeling like a loser and a failure. 

I'm fearfully and wonderfully made right. I know this but perhaps the challenge lies in getting your heart to know this as well.

I dread the next day everyday.  Life's supposed to be better isn't it. I have to look forward.

The hardest battle is the one within yourself. The battle inside me has been waging for years. When will it ever end?

Or is it like a dichotomy? Precisely cos there is the struggle and pain, this will bring out joy and peace in contrast.  For if you do not know pain, am numb, then how do you feel happy?

Life in a nutshell

How I've been feeling for the past few months and/or years...

Life is a challenge.
School is a challenge. 
Getting out of bed everyday is a challenge. 

Challenges never end don't they? I used to feel okay about them; now I'm just overwhelmed. 

Hold on to God.

God

I'm a Christian now. It came as quite a surprise to me even when I decided I'm going to God.

Jesus had once said , "Come to me all those who are tired and weary and I shall give you rest.  For my yoke is easy and the burden is light."

I was indeed tired and weary. I did just that. I went to god and felt this peace that I haven't had in a long time.  This sense of acceptance of who I am, a strong sense of being loved, cared for and blessed.

I still struggle with my faith but I'm much better now.  I'm more sure of life and my existence in general.

Cos when god is your reason to live, you have no reason to quit.

Thank you god. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for teaching me and allowing me to learn how to let go of my pride and deal with my problems.

For Your strength is made perfect in weakness.

22/10/12

Things fall apart so that they can fall into place.

//

Is that really true? If it is how true is that? Will we even know if it is? How do we even tell if it's true?

//
My life fell apart (in my own sense) a year ago, in June 2011. I was too worried about my results, worrying about my college applications, stuffs along like how am I going to get into a good college with the current lousy grades that I have... I kept pushing myself, too hard, too long and then finally that day in June, I broke down.

I cried, for a long time. I haven't been able to cry for myself for the past 5 years.  ( I could cry over sad movies and books etc but I couldn't cry when I felt really bad inside). I lost my ability to cry for myself somehow. I would just feel really bad inside me, like my heart's getting squished up, and I couldn't really breathe/think and that sadness will just swallow me up. Even then, I can't cry. So I will resort to eating really spicy stuff to just get myself a block nose so that it felt like I cried.

But that day tears just fell down. I literally cried a lot a lot. It was releasing, refreshing even. But I knew I needed to seek help. So I did. I went to a psychiatrist. I wouldn't say I've recovered now, I think I'm better. Even so, there's the fear of a depression relapse. But really at the end of the day, it's all in my mind right? Only I can control my thoughts, which in turn affects my feeling. It's all up to me.

//

I don't know if this breaking apart came at the right time/should it have even come at all? But I knew I needed this, I was too stuck in the rat race, too results obsessed that my life and self esteem depended so much of my academic results. I guessed this episode made me change my outlook in life. I'm still slowing picking up those broken pieces, and trying to come to terms with them.

I think the most important thing is loving yourself, accepting who you are, who you really are and not who you pretend to be. And to be at peace with it.

It's hard to love yourself fully, but I'll work hard towards that.

If I can't love myself, how can I know how to love others right?

19/10/12

I've been having this nagging feeling in my heart. It hurts but I have no idea why. Or probably I do subconsciously and that I'm consciously ignoring what I'm feeling? It's awful, this confusion;helplessness;restlessness...

//

My depression's probably relapsing again. In the first place how do you really know if it's depression right? It could be a self-fulfilling prophecy, you think you're having depression and the more you think about it, the more entrapped you are, the more you're stuck. And if that happens, is it really depression? Or is it that this cynical take on life is actually a by product of all the experiences that you had that you never feel the real need to do anything anymore? That heck if I'm depressed so be it? Cos I'm already too well over to care? 

//

What's the purpose of life? What's my purpose in this life/lifetime? Do we even have any purpose for us that may be dictated by God/our maker/something like that that whatever we do is futile and nature will always take its course? Or do we really have control over our destiny like how people claim? And how do you know/affirm that whatever purpose you have in life is the right purpose? Is there even such thing as a right purpose? Does it really matter if you have no purpose? Do we need purpose? Can we live without purpose?

//

It irks me about how insensitive people can be. Or maybe I'm just to sensitive/emotional. What's wrong about that? Perhaps it's just my insecurities that's more worrying than how people really judge me. Why should I care right?? I wanna tell myself that, but what the head wants totally differs from where the heart goes.

//

Is it possible to feel no love? What is love anyway? There're many types of love but is there really unconditional love? I'm just so tired... Tired to love.

//

I need more optimism. Life will get better! It's not a bed of thorns. 

//

School tomorrow. Another day blending into the next...

//

I should probably sleep soon. Sleep all my worries away. 

//

Live in day tight compartments, girl. Remember that.

//

And stop comparing yourself with others. You're enough. Stop wishing you have what others have/want to be like someone else etc. You are uniquely you. Of course you have flaws but you also have strengths right?

//

Believe in yourself. Have faith. 

//

Life goes on.