22/10/12

Things fall apart so that they can fall into place.

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Is that really true? If it is how true is that? Will we even know if it is? How do we even tell if it's true?

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My life fell apart (in my own sense) a year ago, in June 2011. I was too worried about my results, worrying about my college applications, stuffs along like how am I going to get into a good college with the current lousy grades that I have... I kept pushing myself, too hard, too long and then finally that day in June, I broke down.

I cried, for a long time. I haven't been able to cry for myself for the past 5 years.  ( I could cry over sad movies and books etc but I couldn't cry when I felt really bad inside). I lost my ability to cry for myself somehow. I would just feel really bad inside me, like my heart's getting squished up, and I couldn't really breathe/think and that sadness will just swallow me up. Even then, I can't cry. So I will resort to eating really spicy stuff to just get myself a block nose so that it felt like I cried.

But that day tears just fell down. I literally cried a lot a lot. It was releasing, refreshing even. But I knew I needed to seek help. So I did. I went to a psychiatrist. I wouldn't say I've recovered now, I think I'm better. Even so, there's the fear of a depression relapse. But really at the end of the day, it's all in my mind right? Only I can control my thoughts, which in turn affects my feeling. It's all up to me.

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I don't know if this breaking apart came at the right time/should it have even come at all? But I knew I needed this, I was too stuck in the rat race, too results obsessed that my life and self esteem depended so much of my academic results. I guessed this episode made me change my outlook in life. I'm still slowing picking up those broken pieces, and trying to come to terms with them.

I think the most important thing is loving yourself, accepting who you are, who you really are and not who you pretend to be. And to be at peace with it.

It's hard to love yourself fully, but I'll work hard towards that.

If I can't love myself, how can I know how to love others right?