Consistency

I'm working on this.

I really am.

It's just... hard for me to be consistent.

I struggle a lot with this...

But I will work on this.

I guess it's my fear of having to oblige, to be boxed in, to be restricted that led me to such erratic behaviours and inconsistency.

perhaps being aware is the first step... I just have to plough on and take the next few steps.

Praying for strength for this.

And to pick things up from where I left them (which includes finishing up my barely started 1st chapter translation for ceng xu nuo)

I can do this.  Healing isn't easy. It's painful. It's slow. It's endless.

I will always have some kind of flaws. I will always have problems.

But I should stop defining myself, wallowing in my self pity.
It's not about me really. I'm just this one person out of the billions of people on earth.

So insignificant. But I mattered to God, to Jesus.

He saved me. And the least I can do is to be thankful that I'm still alive, still typing away here on this blog.

Still coming back time after time. Even when I just feel like abandoning everything and I don't know live like an ostrich with my head buried in the ground?

I'm barely making sense. Life doesn't make sense. It probably doesn't have to. I'm just driving myself mad trying to comprehend happenings that are not meant to be understood.

Just. Take it slow.

Slow but you're still going on. That's good enough. You're taking that deep breath that's keeping you alive. That's good enough.

You're trying to be functional. That's good enough.  Stop with all the guilt and comparison.

The truth will set you free.  You're still trapped. Because you're still confined to the prison bars in your mind.

You're like rapunzel except you willingly hide yourself in the tower, not going out into the world, not letting anyone in. How can anyone come in when you had your hair cut so short and sharp?

Just.
Just.
Just.
Live. And let live.

You can do this.  The road is still long. Don't stand rooted in the spot because the road is so unclear. Don't let fear paralyse you. Pick yourself up. You have the greatest saviour with you, He has your back. 

Again and again

Back here for rants...
I know it's ironic that I'm trying so hard to be happy but yet these attempts make me sadder than ever.

I don't know if my depression is recurring or I'm simply just overwhelmed and need the space and time alone.

Sometimes I just want to run away to a place with nobody so I can just be by myself. Without any outside or societal influence. But I know that's just wishful thinking cos I'm not all that brave and eager to throw myself out of my comfort zone either.

It's perhaps just school, skipping school, feeling stupid and out of place in school and at home that are getting to me. All the negative thoughts and feelings. I don't really know how to effectively manage them. Or perhaps I don't want to manage them cos I feel like suppressing them robs me of authenticity.

Maybe it's just me and my quarter life crisis.

Growing up

One of my favourite childhood books of all time was Peter Pan.

I have always been fascinated with Neverland, the idea of not having to grow up.

When I was in my teens, I was on the contrary very desperate to grow up, harden my wings.  I wanted freedom.

But now I realized that freedom comes at a price. And at my early twenties,  there comes a time when I will struggle with dreaming or coming to terms with the harsh reality.

What happens when people around you ask you to grow up, to be more mature,  be more responsible and less lazy? 

By what and whose standards are they judging me? Evaluating me and then coming up with some kind of action plan for me to follow through for a ' good future'?

What happens when to people ADD,  depression and emotional sensitivity becomes excuses for laziness and under performance but not valid reasons for emotional expression and rest?

I'm just so sick of everything.  And I'm fearful of this me who is becoming increasingly angsty, bitter, cynical and distasteful for people and the things around me.

I'm so so tired.
But I know I'm still alive and perhaps one day this all will make sense.

For now, I guess I don't have to prove anything to anyone not even myself. 

Just hang on.

Angst

Just really angst and having trouble with my emotions.  Getting angry and upset way too easily.

It makes me feel that life is so pointless... I don't want to be defined and limited by my depression but at the same time it feels so freaking stifling and way too much to deal with.

It's not that I hate my life. I'm blessed and there are things to be thankful for. It's just that the idea that everything is temporary makes me lose the will to fight.  I feel like giving up, too tired from all the struggles.  But also, the idea of giving up disgusts me as I had already come so far. 

Praying.

Song- I can just be me (laura story)

Was feeling quite bleah as usual today.  Contemplating and just feeling very awful and disappointed with myself.

It's just this vicious cycle I'm so jammed in.

So I tried to listen to some worship songs and they did make me feel a bit better.  I guess the reason why I'm still worrying so much and feeling so overwhelmed is cos I'm still holding on so much; not really releasing control and committing everything to God.

The song 'I can just be me' by Laura story hits so close to home. It really illustrates the kind of feeling that I have and perhaps have been trying to achieve.  The ability to just be myself and accept the me that God made and moulded and not envying others.

The lyrics:
I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
PIece by pieceI’ve been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever beIt’s just not me

So be my healer
Be my comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be brokenI can be needy
Lord, I need You now to be my God
So I can just be me

I’ve been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it’s just not my home
I’ve been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I’m letting go

So be my Father
My mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail, and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be my God
So I can just be me
‘Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in you
So now I’m needing, desperately pleading

Oh Lord, be all to me
Be my Savior
Be my lifeline
Won’t you be my everything
‘Cause I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me

Stuck

I've been way too emotional lately ... just when it starts getting better I feel like I'm down in the pits again...

I just feel so hopeless about myself about my future about everything.  And yet I know this shouldn't be the case...

I force myself to think more positively but is that act making myself feel even worse cos I can't measure up?

And I still struggle so much with comparison.  Comparing myself to others. It's like this disease that's so out of control. 

I'm tired.  I'm so sick of it yet. But it still hang on and I keep faking. I don't know how to continue anymore.

I'm stuck. 

Life in a nutshell

How I've been feeling for the past few months and/or years...

Life is a challenge.
School is a challenge. 
Getting out of bed everyday is a challenge. 

Challenges never end don't they? I used to feel okay about them; now I'm just overwhelmed. 

Hold on to God.