To myself and others out there!

Song- I can just be me (laura story)

Was feeling quite bleah as usual today.  Contemplating and just feeling very awful and disappointed with myself.

It's just this vicious cycle I'm so jammed in.

So I tried to listen to some worship songs and they did make me feel a bit better.  I guess the reason why I'm still worrying so much and feeling so overwhelmed is cos I'm still holding on so much; not really releasing control and committing everything to God.

The song 'I can just be me' by Laura story hits so close to home. It really illustrates the kind of feeling that I have and perhaps have been trying to achieve.  The ability to just be myself and accept the me that God made and moulded and not envying others.

The lyrics:
I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
PIece by pieceI’ve been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever beIt’s just not me

So be my healer
Be my comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be brokenI can be needy
Lord, I need You now to be my God
So I can just be me

I’ve been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it’s just not my home
I’ve been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I’m letting go

So be my Father
My mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail, and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be my God
So I can just be me
‘Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in you
So now I’m needing, desperately pleading

Oh Lord, be all to me
Be my Savior
Be my lifeline
Won’t you be my everything
‘Cause I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me

Stuck

I've been way too emotional lately ... just when it starts getting better I feel like I'm down in the pits again...

I just feel so hopeless about myself about my future about everything.  And yet I know this shouldn't be the case...

I force myself to think more positively but is that act making myself feel even worse cos I can't measure up?

And I still struggle so much with comparison.  Comparing myself to others. It's like this disease that's so out of control. 

I'm tired.  I'm so sick of it yet. But it still hang on and I keep faking. I don't know how to continue anymore.

I'm stuck. 

Movie- monster university

Love this movie! I like how it has a very inspirational tone-a prequel to the well known Monsters inc.

It goes back to the university days of the 2 protagonist sulley and mike. How they came to know each other, the growth of their friendship through challenges in school and ultimately to working as a team upon dropping out of college.

The dropping out of college part struck me quite a lot. Well they were sort of kicked out but that isn't the main point.  It made me wonder about the value of a college education. Is it overrated? Are people just going to college because they need the training for the real working world or is it simply cos 'that's the tried and tested route'?

I admire mike's determination to make it as a scarer although he was physically disadvantaged for the job. He never gave up. True, he had to make a little detour( working as a mail boy) but ultimately he achieved his dream (and we have monsters inc).

I guessed it made me ashamed in a sense that I'm not treasuring my college education.  I'm in school and mostly it's cos I don't know what else to do. Or maybe it's just cos I want others' approval in a sense of being a university graduate. I don't know. I'm spending money in school and making myself miserable in the process. I'm not chasing any dreams. I don't even know if I have any dreams. Or perhaps I'm too fearful to even dream.

And that scares me a lot. I'm still young but I don't behave like I'm young. I feel jaded.

On a side note I bought the monster's university instax film. Will use it soon! Love taking polaroids and the lovely films that come out instantly.  Maybe I can start out by making and keeping memories.

One small step at a time. 

Reminders for self

Inferiority complex

Self esteem issues. Sigh.  I'm just so tired everyday and yet I don't sleep well...

I guess I compare too much. Comparison is the thief of joy. Yet, I'm kind of addicted to comparison.  Always wanna know how I stand in relation to others and I will always come out short,  feeling like a loser and a failure. 

I'm fearfully and wonderfully made right. I know this but perhaps the challenge lies in getting your heart to know this as well.

I dread the next day everyday.  Life's supposed to be better isn't it. I have to look forward.

The hardest battle is the one within yourself. The battle inside me has been waging for years. When will it ever end?

Or is it like a dichotomy? Precisely cos there is the struggle and pain, this will bring out joy and peace in contrast.  For if you do not know pain, am numb, then how do you feel happy?

The Worrying habit (oh it's a pun!)

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This is so true. Each day has enough trouble of its own and I'm not doing anything productive by worrying so much. In fact, I think worrying is the first step to my spiral towards depression.  Of course it's normal to worry, but excessive worrying will only take an awful toil on my mental health. I have to learn to commit it all to God's hand, and that it will all work out.

For His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His way higher than my way.

The world in your hands

Always had the travel bug in me. I've been thinking quite a bit about the future. How I want to travel around the world but yet that conflicts a lot with the responsibilities that I should have when I work next time and also family wise. 

The nomad way of living has always appealed to me. It seemed so carefree and peaceful.  But I know really, to survive or rather to live well, financial considerations are big questions that need to be addressed. 

I don't want my travel bug to die out as I grow older, but at the same time, I'm worried about having the means to offer the right conditions for this bug in me to live.

Oh the ironies in life!!!

Life in a nutshell

How I've been feeling for the past few months and/or years...

Life is a challenge.
School is a challenge. 
Getting out of bed everyday is a challenge. 

Challenges never end don't they? I used to feel okay about them; now I'm just overwhelmed. 

Hold on to God.

Book- weird things people say in bookshops

An entertaining read.

There's this part on this woman who goes the bookshop and asked for any book that's in the shade of green that will go well with her wrapping paper. It sounded very ridiculous to me, so much that it's funny. xD 

Not that I don't judge a book by it's cover, it's just that usually I will place more emphasis on the book's synopsis and would only read it if it interests me. That being said, if there's different editions of the book, I'll still choose the cove that I like more so I'm still a visual person I guess. 

And of course there'll be some ramblings on rude/inconsiderate/weird customers together with the funny ones. Customer service's really a tough industry. I can just imagine the patience needed to deal with some of the people. Oh the horror! xD 

That aside, it's still pretty cool to work in bookshops, surrounded by books. Except that reading the books there are not part of the job requirement. xD 

Movie- Armageddon (1998)

This movie's been in a few of those Guess the Movie app games that I've been playing. It piped my curiosity and so I went to watch it.

The movie's about a Texas-sized asteroid that's bound to hit Earth and how the NASA came up with a plan to stop this end of the world event from happening. I guess I have always been fascinated with stuffs that are of apocalyptic themes- movies like these, sci-fi genres, hunger game kinds of post apo world, zombie apocalypse. Yeah so this did sound interesting enough for me to want to watch it.

And so, NASA sent up a team of drillers mix with astronauts to drill a hole on the asteroid, put a nuclear bomb in it and blast it up so that the fragments of the asteroid can miss Earth.

The moive has a few mentions of the Bible and how amageddon meant the end of the world in the Bible. I didn't know that. But now I know. xD And of course, the mission came with a few sacrifices and some of the team died in the mission.

I think this movie made me really respect heros. Not like those fiction superheros like Iron Man or Spider man or Wolverine but more kind of like the ordinary hero. There's a scene when Harry had to stay behind on the asteroid to hand detonate the bomb. It's a suicidal mission, everyone knew it but he chose to do it in place of AJ, a guy that was his daughter's fiance. I can't imagine how huge this responsibility must be, and how much courage it took to press that little button to blow yourself up together with everything else around you.

I guess that's why there's this book on courage called Feel the Fear and Do it anyway. When it boils down to fight or flight, sometimes there's just no option of flight anymore.

Book-Disappointments with God by Philip Yancey

Just finished this book. It's really wonderfully written. I have always have issues with my faith. Although I'm a relatively new Christian, I still do have times when I have my seeds of doubts. I don't have that kind of 100% confidence and faith in God that I see in some believers. Sometimes that made me wonder if I'm really a believer, if it's really okay to be like this. It made me feel like maybe it's wrong what I'm feeling and perhaps I should find ways to have more faith, to believe more and do whatever it takes.

And so I did, I do what I always do when I have questions. I turn to books. And I'm so glad I found this book. I have to applaud Yancey for writing this book. It isn't easy I think, the emotional toll that one has to go through to think and pen down such ideas and theories. He cleverly summaries our disappointments with god as three types: whether god's unfair, why he's silent and why he's hidden.

We people think life would be so much easier if God would just show up and tell us what to do; guide us, create more miracles that are attention drawing, in fact anything loud so that we KNOW for sure he's there.
But after reading the analysis done by Yancey from the books of the Old Testament, I now could see how that maybe wouldn't work out.

God wants us to love Him; not fear him or act like we love him/obey him out of submission and resignation. That's why we had the option to love Him or not. I think it's kind of like how we humans are like too, how we want to be loved but we want genuine love.

And yes, Yancey's very relateable in his writing. I feel like I just came out of this reading with a much renewed faith. A kind of faith that can survive doubts, disappointments and injustice and yet still hang on to God. As long as we cling on to him, I guess that in itself is a very wonderful act of faith.

Just like how God has never forsaken us, the lest we could do is do the same when we're tested with the trials of life.

I'm still a work in progress and I've realised I've got so much to learn. Lessons on patience, humility, and love. And I thank God for showing me all these. It made me accept my flaws (kind of although sometimes I really wish I was just simply perfect xD who doesn't?) and yes, learning and the growth process is really painful. But I guess this is part of life, part of growth, part of what it means to be human.

Thank you Yancey for the good book and sharings. And thank you God for leading me to the bookstore and chancing upon this book. I'm feeling so blessed now.

Movie- upside down

Watched this on my flight to Hong Kong. The movie was slow-paced and I kind of considered giving it up halfway but then I'd have nothing else to do on my flight and I wasn't sleepy so I pushed on and completed the movie. I'd say I was very happy when it ended, not because of the ending (duh, I kind of expected that they'd be together in the end anyway despite how impossible it seemed at the beginning) and because it finally ended and meant I had passed two hours of flight time. 

The story's about a guy from the down below falling in love with a girl from up top from their chance encounters from young. I know it seemed quite weird, but I kept thinking throughout the film if the people there get neck stains from having to crane their necks all the time while talking to people from the other world with a different gravity. Haha. 

And the name of the main characters- Adam and Eden. I don't know if there were any biblical references (as far as I understand, I don't really see it?) There were no references to God and the two of them didn't sin (they were just kids who fell in love with someone who they shouldn't and they live in different worlds). I felt that a Romeo and Juliet reference was more prominent. But then again, it wasn't really a tragedy and while they fell in love with someone they shouldn't, there wasn't really family conflicts involved. 

Okay, then I'll just settle for a cheesy love line of people falling in love with someone they shouldn't, yet they will overcome the obstacles in their love life and achieve happily ever after. A super succinct take of mine about the movie. 

5 things about Hong Kong

I have just returned from my Hong Kong trip a while back. I'll try to summarize up this trip experience into 5 things that I felt were part of the trip. All these are strictly in my opinion and be ready for lots of rants! xD 

 5 THINGS ABOUT HONG KONG BY ME!

1) I felt my claustrophobic 

Space in Hong Kong were really very maximized when it came to their usage. There were buildings everywhere, people everywhere, even the walkways seemed pretty narrow. I prefer to have my own space, I'm pretty particular when people are too near to me as it sorts of intrudes my comfort zone. The trains were really packed when it came to their peak hours, especially if you're heading to central in the morning on weekdays. The hotel that we stayed in was pretty small but it was cozy so it wasn't that bad. But I really disliked walking on the streets with people everywhere and having umbrella 'fights' with others as our umbrellas jostled and bumped into one another's on the walkways. 

2) The queuing 

I have to admit I'm not a really patient person and I usually avoid queening if I can help it. I queued a lot in Hong Kong. When in Disneyland Hong Kong and Ocean Theme part I think half the time of the seven hours we spent there were used on queuing. That wasn't the worst part. I think the more uncomfortable thing was point number 1, my claustrophobia, when it comes to queuing. Queuing made me feel trapped and I don't really understand why others must stand so close and near me that they were bumping to me even when the queue was not moving. It just made me very pissed and my mood was just so bad. They were good during those rides with adrenaline rush and then they were gone once the queuing cycle starts again. Oh well. I guess this is training for my patience. 

3) The stairs

There was a lot of stairs. I felt fitter after my trip to Hong Kong! xD The MTR were filled with stairs (mostly escalators were only for going down, you'll have to climb up the stairs to exit the station and there were some exits without any escalators and you'd just have to climb up/down the stairs everytime. On our trip to the Ngong Ping Buddha, the flight of stairs to the bottom of the Buddha was jaw dropping. I felt so accomplished after climbing up the whole staircase with only a few pauses. On my way, I can't help but be thankful that I can still climb stairs (albeit being breathless and all). I'd better travel when I'm younger and before I get older and my health declines and I can't take such kind of exercise anymore. 

4) The food

The dimsums were great- Tim Ho Wan was awesome. It was really affordable and yummy. I missed the BBQ pork buns, the gui hua gao and the yummy carrot cakes. I think we ate wanton and fishball noodles for at least 5 times over the span of 5 days. The variety of food choices were mostly Chinese food on the streets. Shopping malls have more food options. 

5) Early retirement to our hotel

We returned to our hotel and concluded our day of exploration in Hong Kong pretty early everyday, at about 8plus pm daily. I guessed we're just so tired. (I don't even know from what? Walking too much? Queuing? The rainy weather?) It felt a bit wasted going back to our hotel so early while the night is still young but we couldn't really enjoy much further. This made me miss the night markets that we enjoyed when we were in Taiwan last year. 

I've decided to include our itinerary here too. All these are going to be memories for me :') Since I'm such a forgetful person, I'll force and discipline myself to record more stuffs by blogging and typing them out instead of just leaving all these experiences in my brain to rot and fade away. 

Day 1: The Peak

Reached Hong Kong around noon. Was deciding between taking MTR to our hotel or the bus. Took the bus instead (got an octopus card, the card's really useful you can get it to pay for transport- buses and MTR rides,  for paying food at a lot of shops,and even for making donations for wildlife conservation efforts in Ocean Park!). Ate fishball noodles for lunch (I forgot where, oh no my memory is failing me). And we set off for The Peak. We took the MTR to central and walked to the tram ticketing place. My gosh!!! The queue was horrifying!!! It was so long and the place was so crowded that I felt like I didn't want to go anymore. I just didn't want to queue and squeeze with the crowd. But of course I didn't say that out, my friend planned the itinerary and I didn't want to be a spoil sport. We queued for at least an hour, (if you can, do bring an electronic fan like those they use in theme parks cos the place is really stuffy or you can be like us and use the pamphlets to fan ourselves-so cost-saving! xD) And then!!! To our horror, we could've actually just tapped using our octopus card and joined another shorter queue that didn't need to wait for an hour because we had the octopus card and could just pay the entrance fee with that and not queue for an hour and buy the tickets!!!!  All these exclaimation marks are not enough to express my feelings at that time. !!!!!!!! I was trying so hard to control my temper. I really need to learn to be more patient and also more loving of other humans although I really hate crowds. God help me. Amen. 

Then was squeezing through the tram to the peak. The peak was okay, pretty nice view from the top (you have to pay to visit the peak's 360 viewing floor or something like that). Took some touristy photos. There was some filming of a korean variety show. Not sure what it was though. And we managed to watch a while of the night lights showing below on the skyscrapers and then we left before the crowd disperses. Then back to hotel.

Day 2: Disneyland Day! 

I loved the tickets haha! I got the one with Woody from toy story printed while my friend got the slinky dog from Toy story. And then queuing for rides, had lunch, more queuings and back to the hotel. My favourite part of Hong Kong's Disneyland was perhaps the Toy story area with the exciting U shaped car ride (like an extreme pirate ship) and just the decoration there in general. 

Day 3: Ngong Ping, Sham Shui Po

We took a train to Tung Chung and queued for the cable tickets at the ticketing place just behind the outlet shopping mall of Tung Chung. The cable car ride was pretty long about 25 minutes. The view was great too. I always wondered how people managed to build cable cars. It seemed like such a huge undertaking with a lot of responsibilities. We went to the Buddha, took a walk on the wisdom path (I recommend trying that out) and ate at the vegetarian restaurant in the monastery. We went Sham Shui Po for dinner at Tim Ho Wan. The fashion street at Sham Shui Po's awesome! Affordable and pretty clothes!! 

Day 4: Ocean Park day! 

Took MTR to Admiralty and got to Ocean Park by bus 269 from there. Then same as Disneyland, we queued for rides, had lunch, queued for more rides. I really liked Ocean Park more because there were more exciting rides here (there were 4-5 roller coaster rides, 2 being more extreme with the loops). It was raining so we didn't really get to sit a lot of the rides. Luckily, there were aquariums and zoos indoor for us to visit while it rained. Ocean park's bigger than Disneyland too. You'd have to take a cablecar/ the express train to get from one part of the park to another. Then we went back to our hotel in the evening. I forgot what we had for dinner xD

Day 5: North Point, Hong Kong art museum, Sham Shui Po

We set off for North Point in the morning for the Duck Shing Ho egg rolls there. Queued an hour for it. Went to the museum afterwards. The museum was interesting. I particularly liked the one on porcelain trade on the third floor. There was some activity booklet that you could complete and it was pretty fun! We spent our afternoon there. Went Sham Shui Po again for some cloths shopping then headed back to our hotel in the evening. 

Day 6: 

Our last day in Hong Kong. We went to get egg tarts in the morning from Tai Chung bakery at the Star Ferry Terminal in Tsim Sha Tsui. Then visited the avenue of stars and got our laopo bings at Heng Hung bakery in the basement of SOGO. Had Japanese sushi for lunch. Yummy!

Took a bus to the airport, then it was bye bye Hong Kong! See you soon (?). Hopefully I'll get to visit Macau next time too and be of the legal age to have an eye-opening tour of the Macau casino. 

God

I'm a Christian now. It came as quite a surprise to me even when I decided I'm going to God.

Jesus had once said , "Come to me all those who are tired and weary and I shall give you rest.  For my yoke is easy and the burden is light."

I was indeed tired and weary. I did just that. I went to god and felt this peace that I haven't had in a long time.  This sense of acceptance of who I am, a strong sense of being loved, cared for and blessed.

I still struggle with my faith but I'm much better now.  I'm more sure of life and my existence in general.

Cos when god is your reason to live, you have no reason to quit.

Thank you god. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for teaching me and allowing me to learn how to let go of my pride and deal with my problems.

For Your strength is made perfect in weakness.

Movie- the identity thief

I watched this on the plane back home today.  It was quite an enjoyable film. The bad sexual references parts of the film aside, I think the movie actually did encompass a few learning and thought provoking points.

Synopsis of the movie: Sandy is an account keeper in a bank and he's the sole breadwinner of his family of four going on five. Due to an identity theft, he finds himself on the brink of getting jobless as he loses his financial credibility from chalkinh up debt on his credit cards (he was victimised). He will do whatever it takes to get the other 'Sandy' to Denever and explain the situation to his boss so as to keep his job...

Diana is a complex and yet simple person.  You're inclined to dislike her at the start of the film but yet towards the end, you'll come to understand her and possibly even sympathise with her.

She had a rough childhood as an orphan, no one cares about her. Her tough, loud and rough personality was her facade, a coping mechanism she developed to deal with loneliness and rejections. We all know the environment plays a vital role in a person's growth and Diana could be seen as someone who grew up without a conducive environment and went off path.

Then comes Sandy, the protagonist who gets her back on path and helps her discover who she really is- figuratively and literally. She's actually Dawn Budgie and finally knows her real name. We see the blossoming of a seemingly unlikely friendship.

I think Diana was really lucky.  I mean she picked a victim who she stole the identity from and yet he was so forgiving.  It seemed too unreal.  Maybe I'm just cynical but there's too much smooth going for them throughout the film. Sandy is way too kind, especially for a man who had a lot to lose. And he's really reckless and desperate- doing all these just to keep his job? I understand that he values his job very much but isn't his life much more priceless? He's no cop material. Well he has tons of luck too though.

And the bad guys hardly seem to catch up with them too, although they looked like competent head hunters.

Perhaps I'm reading way too much into all these.  I'm should stay contented with the movie as a good way to spend my two hours on flight.