Consistency

I'm working on this.

I really am.

It's just... hard for me to be consistent.

I struggle a lot with this...

But I will work on this.

I guess it's my fear of having to oblige, to be boxed in, to be restricted that led me to such erratic behaviours and inconsistency.

perhaps being aware is the first step... I just have to plough on and take the next few steps.

Praying for strength for this.

And to pick things up from where I left them (which includes finishing up my barely started 1st chapter translation for ceng xu nuo)

I can do this.  Healing isn't easy. It's painful. It's slow. It's endless.

I will always have some kind of flaws. I will always have problems.

But I should stop defining myself, wallowing in my self pity.
It's not about me really. I'm just this one person out of the billions of people on earth.

So insignificant. But I mattered to God, to Jesus.

He saved me. And the least I can do is to be thankful that I'm still alive, still typing away here on this blog.

Still coming back time after time. Even when I just feel like abandoning everything and I don't know live like an ostrich with my head buried in the ground?

I'm barely making sense. Life doesn't make sense. It probably doesn't have to. I'm just driving myself mad trying to comprehend happenings that are not meant to be understood.

Just. Take it slow.

Slow but you're still going on. That's good enough. You're taking that deep breath that's keeping you alive. That's good enough.

You're trying to be functional. That's good enough.  Stop with all the guilt and comparison.

The truth will set you free.  You're still trapped. Because you're still confined to the prison bars in your mind.

You're like rapunzel except you willingly hide yourself in the tower, not going out into the world, not letting anyone in. How can anyone come in when you had your hair cut so short and sharp?

Just.
Just.
Just.
Live. And let live.

You can do this.  The road is still long. Don't stand rooted in the spot because the road is so unclear. Don't let fear paralyse you. Pick yourself up. You have the greatest saviour with you, He has your back.