Movie- Rurouni Kenshi: Kyoto Inferno

Just finished a test today and decided to reward myself with a movie at the last minute.

So yup this movie was a last minute decide to watch kind of movie which differs from my usual this is what I want to watch movies that I normally watch as soon as they are released.

But yeah it was a nice movie! ! Part of why I kept putting this movie off was probably cos I haven't watched the first part and this was the sequel and I didn't like watching sequels without having watched the first part.

This is where wikipedia comes in. xD haha helps a lot in understanding the plot.

And I liked how although it's a fictional piece, there are historical settings and groundings to the movie.  And I really love the landscape. The old Kyoto scenes. I've never been to Kyoto and this made me wanna go there so bad. As well as Nara.

The samurai theme is very dominant, much like other movies such as The Last Samurai and 47 Ronin. But what differs is how Kenshin don't want to kill people anymore.

And I find that so hard. I mean it requires so much more technique to just knock people out cos you have to keep cautious of not killing them instead. Seriously that's a huge disadvantage when your opponents are putting all 100% for the death blow.

And maybe that's what's endearing. The struggle between having the power to kill and the actual act of killing. 

And all these fights for power for peace.  Does the end justify the means? Be it katakana or guns or just fists, people die in wars for the so called peace that doesn't last for long. 

But anyway, I'm definitely going to watch the sequel now. Such a cliffhanger.  Though I sort of know the ending already from wikipeding the manga.

Movie- The maze runner

I'm usually a book over movie adaptation person.  Usually. Since I'd like the idea of imagining my own casts and picking my pace of the story (ie. you can flip pages of a book but you can't fast foward parts in cinemas)

But this movie was awesome. so good that I prefer it over the book. I hadn't liked the ending of the first book (shall not say what it is no spoilers) so I had stopped and didn't read the second and third book.

Yet, this movie was so good that I went to read the next two books.  Okay the plots for these were okay (you kind of know how it's headed at the end of book one) but it got me really excited about the movie adaptations. 

Or probably just cos the choice of cast was wonderful!! Love Minho and Newt there!

And the maze was so breathtaking. They could probably just leave the maze setup there after filming and make it a tourist attraction and I'm sure people will want to visit it.

Can't wait for the next movie!!!

For now, let's anticipate the 3rd hunger games movie that'll be out in November!

Movie-The Hundred Foot Journey

This's a really nice movie in a while. 

The movie's about the story of an Indian family moving to France and their opening of an Indian family restaurant opposite a Michelin one star French restaurant. 

A success(?) story of how an Indian boy chef went from zero to hero. I guess even his success is contestable.  What does one consider success?  Having your loved ones with you and opening a homey family restaurant,  working hard together? Or is it the prestige associated with working at highly rated Michelin star restaurants? 

How much you're willing to compromise and adapt as an immigrant... these are heavy issues masked by a very pretty french landscape and yummy looking cuisines.

I really love the village vibe in the setting. The suburban landscape and farmer's market. The nature.

This contrasts so much with the city life with I so love and hate at the same time.

Perhaps I can start by learning how to cook an omelette. 

Again and again

Back here for rants...
I know it's ironic that I'm trying so hard to be happy but yet these attempts make me sadder than ever.

I don't know if my depression is recurring or I'm simply just overwhelmed and need the space and time alone.

Sometimes I just want to run away to a place with nobody so I can just be by myself. Without any outside or societal influence. But I know that's just wishful thinking cos I'm not all that brave and eager to throw myself out of my comfort zone either.

It's perhaps just school, skipping school, feeling stupid and out of place in school and at home that are getting to me. All the negative thoughts and feelings. I don't really know how to effectively manage them. Or perhaps I don't want to manage them cos I feel like suppressing them robs me of authenticity.

Maybe it's just me and my quarter life crisis.

Movie- Into the Wild

This movie is haunting. 

It's been a month since I watch the DvD and I still find my thoughts wandering on this movie. On Chris McCandleless or rather Alex Supertramp.

I could identify a lot with Chris (except I'm not as smart as he is). And he's definitely way more determined than I am. I find myself becoming very lazy (though I'd like to think of that as conserving my extremely limited supply of energy) and complacent in that I dont follow through with plans.

I am like him in that i'm resistant to the idea of power and oppression, on the state of society,  or all those power inequality issues that one studies about in sociology. How the rich get richer and the poor gets poorer (people may disagree but really, what I'm talking about is in general. Of course there will be people that can move up the economic ladder and stuff. But look at the price they have to pay for it to happen. Is it worth it? How people become so broken by their experiences that they can never be whole again).

but I'm unlike him in that I don't follow through with plans.  I get sick of stuffs easily, I start on projects and dont follow through. I guess it's cos I don't know what I want so I try something and then give up. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with finding out what I want. Like can't I just suck it up, get through it and finish it up. I can't and that's a problem. I lack the self discipline that I once was so proud of.  I just find it really pointless in the temporal state of things that I've been losing my drive. The only thing I can still be glad about is that I still moving or rather crawling painfully on my road to the future. That i'm still holding on although I don't know if the pain is killing me or making me stronger.

So yes I've had fantasy of leaving everything behind and going solo like chris did. Except perhaps not into the wild. I can't hunt, I'm helpless with gathering and okay this is such a joke but I'm afraid of the dark. And being in the wild meant being in the dark alone, without the city lights and noises to keep me sane. I will probably go crazy.

Of course there are debates about responsibilities and stuff about how selfish chris' s action are. But one has to understand that these are all judgements on people. Who are we to judge? You don't know what he went through to become the person he is. You don't know what I experienced to have become this person that I am today. You don't see the litres of tears that I cried behind the plastered smile that I have on my face.

So please. Stop with all the hate and judgement. I know I'm guilty of these as well. I judge and compare myself to others.  But all it does was made me feel worse off.

So I try to be a better person. I'm learning to love more or rather to simply just hate less.

And hopefully one day I can say to myself that yes I am proud of you of having taken that big step. It doesn't have to me be about going into the wild literally, but maybe metaphorically into the wild places of my heart where love and understanding had once been. 

Tumblr

Lately I have been on tumblr a lot. I like how all the pictures from blogs there seem to convey how I feel.

Isn't it weird/scary sometimes how pictures or just words can connect with you so much more than a real person can?

I'm just over thinking again. And that's dangerous. 

Growing up

One of my favourite childhood books of all time was Peter Pan.

I have always been fascinated with Neverland, the idea of not having to grow up.

When I was in my teens, I was on the contrary very desperate to grow up, harden my wings.  I wanted freedom.

But now I realized that freedom comes at a price. And at my early twenties,  there comes a time when I will struggle with dreaming or coming to terms with the harsh reality.

What happens when people around you ask you to grow up, to be more mature,  be more responsible and less lazy? 

By what and whose standards are they judging me? Evaluating me and then coming up with some kind of action plan for me to follow through for a ' good future'?

What happens when to people ADD,  depression and emotional sensitivity becomes excuses for laziness and under performance but not valid reasons for emotional expression and rest?

I'm just so sick of everything.  And I'm fearful of this me who is becoming increasingly angsty, bitter, cynical and distasteful for people and the things around me.

I'm so so tired.
But I know I'm still alive and perhaps one day this all will make sense.

For now, I guess I don't have to prove anything to anyone not even myself. 

Just hang on.

Book-Ceng Xu Nuo (Promise me a forever) by Tong Hua [English translation] Prologue

So I'm going to start on this book today and will also give a go at translating it from Chinese to English to share it with others. :) I've always benefited a lot from English translation in my kpop fandom (watching dramas/variety shows) and will like to give back somehow.


Will see how this goes. It will be a new side project for me to distract me from my ruminations.

Disclaimer: All rights reserved to whoever it should belong to. The Chinese work to Tong Hua and the translation here to me :)

Some Chinese folklore and mythology background related to the book:

Although there is no myth (shenhua 神話) of a god having created the universe like in most other cultures and religions, there are lots of popular tales of persons that helped to build up and to repair the world during a time of chaos and uncertainty. A lot of such myth originate in southern China whose cultures and phantastic beliefs differed from the more "realistic" attitude of the northern peoples. Those mythical persons are by no means godlike, but are rather part of the world they helped to construct. The most famous of this persons is Pan Gu 盤古, but there are also smaller figures like Nü Wa 女媧 and her brother or husband Fu Xi 伏羲 who repaired the world with dividers and ruler, or the heroical archer Lord Yi 后羿 who shut down eight of the nine existing suns to prevent the soil from burning out. The Yellow Emperor (Huang Di [Huangdi] 黃帝) is thought to be the ancestor of the Chinese people. The clan of the Yellow Emperor (Huangdi zu 黃帝族) and the clan of Yan (Yandi zu 炎帝族) are thought to have represented the Qijia culture 齊家文化 in modern Gansu and Shaanxi provinces. Later these tribes might have moved to the east and founded the cultures of the Central Plain 中原 as basic cultures of Chinese civilization, with a people later named Huaxia 華夏 (or simply Hua 華 or Xia 夏) was told to have founded China's first dynasty, the Xia 夏. Other descendants of the Yellow Emperor's clan is a clan with the surname Ji 姬 who later founded the Zhou Dynasty 周. Ancestorship of the Yellow Emperor is often constructed to obtain legitimation for rulership. Even Non-Chinese tribes should later claim their descendency from the Yellow Emperor. The Yellow Emperor's father was Shao Dian 少典, his actual name was Gongsun Xuanyuan 公孫軒轅 (Xuanyuan [Xuan Yuan] might also be a place name where his clan dwelled), his residence (or state) was Youxiong 有熊. The Yellow Emperor was the first of a line of cultural heroes that are venerated for their inventions. Xuan Yuan is said to has invented - also with the help of his ministers - wells, mortars, bow and arrow, cattle breeding, carts and ships, clothing, divination, mathematics, astronomy and calendar, musical notes (minister Ling Lun [Linglun] 伶倫), medicine and writing (minister Cang Jie [Cangjie] 倉頡). In early Chinese thought, every ruler is blessed by one of the Five Processes or Five Phases (wuxing 五行), that of Xuan Yuan was the earth (corresponding colour: yellow), hence his designation "Yellow Emperor". As a universal ruler, the Yellow Emperor fought against and subdued improper and rebellious rulers and tribes, like Chi You (Chiyou) 蚩尤 in the battle of Zhuolu 涿鹿, the northern Hunzhou 葷粥 (said to be ancestors of the Xiongnu 匈奴), and the Red Emperor (Chi Di [Chidi] 赤帝, also called Yan Di, the "Emperor of the Fire") in the battle of Banquan 阪泉 (might be the same event as in Zhuolu). He replaced Shen Nong (Shennong) 神農 as the ruler of the world. The main wife of the Yellow Emperor was Lei Zu (Leizu) 嫘祖 who invented spinning and weaving. The tomb of the Yellow Emperor(Huangdi Ling 黃帝陵) is in Qiaoshan 橋山, Huangling County 黃陵縣/Shaanxi.  Source: http://www.chinaknowledge.de/History/Myth/mythology.html

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PROLOGUE

In the beginning, in this chaotic universe, there is a ruler. He is Emperor Pan Gu-the one who created the Heaven and Earth.

In those times, heaven and earth are not separated and of different realms. Humans lived on Earth and the Gods lived in the sacred mountains. Humans can meet the Gods by climbing the Heavenly stairs. And hence, the gods, the humans and the spirits coexisted and lived between the heaven and earth.

Emperor Pan Gu had three subordinates who he was closed to like siblings. Of them all, the one with the strongest magical powers was a women whose name has been long lost through the ages. It was only known that she established the Hua Xu Kingdom and hence future generations refer to her as Hua Xu. The other two subordinates were male, one was Sheng Nong who lived and protected the central Chinese plains and the other was Gao Xin who lived in the east and protected the place where the sun rose.

When Emperor Pan Gu passed away, the world was in chaos with wars. Hua Xu grew tired of the unending fights and hid herself by establishing the pretty and harmonious Hua Xu Kingdom. However, the reason she was remembered by future generations was not because she created Hua Xu Kingdom, but because of her son Fu Yi and her daughter Nv Wa.

Fu Yi and Nv Wa were judicious in their rule and were respected by all, finally putting an end to the war. From then, they became Emperor Fu Yi and Emperor Nv Wa. When peace was restored, the lands began to prosper.

A few thousand years later, Emperor Fu Yi passed away. Emperor Nv Wa was devastated and left the Hua Xu Kingdom, never to be seen again. This resulted in the decline of the FuYi and Nv Wa people.

In the Northwest deserts, there is an inconspicuous mountain, known as Mountain Xuan Yuan. At its foot lived the small and unknown heavenly clan known as the Xuan Yuan people. After a great ritual, the elder of the Xuan Yuan clan made the youngest hero of the clan the leader, against the wishes of the majority. Even then, he could not expected what will become of this young leader and the fine accomplishments that he would have achieved later on.

In just a few thousand years, the young leader expanded the Xuan Yuan clan so much that it became a threat to Shen Nong and Gao Xin. However, the two of them realised this too late and missed the best opportunity to kill him, unwillingly seeing Xuan Yuan achieve its status of becoming the third clan of great Gods, together with the Shen Nong and Gao Xin clans.

Among these three great clans, Shen Nong was the greatest and its leader was Emperor Yan and he ruled with kindness. Gao Xin clan was second to Shen Nong and its leader was Emperor Shun and he ruled respectfully. The last was the new comer Xuan Yuan and its leader was known as Huang Di (The Yellow Emperor) and he ruled with laws.

Since then, Shen Nong from the Central Plains, Gao Xin from the South East and Xuan Yuan from the Northwest each ruled over their lands and world was divided into three.

Patience...

Came across this prayer as I was googling 'having no patience with everything'.

I find myself very impatient and hot-tempered easily these days... And it worries me. Like I'm not able to be tolerant or anything. It seems like I lost my ability too, as if I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

And that scares me.

\\

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves ...

Don't search for the answers,

which could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,

you will gradually, without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

rainer maria rilke

I know I've got lots of unresolved issues and sometimes it hurts so much to delve deeper into them and realising how shitty everything is/how much of a failure I am/why am I so loserish thinking about how epic of a failure I am.

This has to stop.

 

Song-Welcome to my Life

I love songs by simple plan. They relate very well to coming of age people like me and the problems associated with growing up.

Welcome to My Life (I love this title, it shows the ironic position of an angst teenage who hopes people can understand them and their life (welcome to my life) while the song lyrics are sort of the opposite (showing how hard it really is for people to understand)

Do you ever feel like breaking down? 
Do you ever feel out of place? 
Like somehow you just don't belong 
And no one understands you?

I think this relates very well to common problems in life- the feeling of loneliness, sadness, even depression and lost of emotional control at times... I find this especially true when I'm down in the pits of my depression spiral and feel like it really is me against the world. Sometimes though to be really rational... if I can't even totally understand myself how can I expect others to right? That again maybe God really knows and understands me but that's another case altogether...

Do you ever wanna runaway? 
Do you lock yourself in your room? 
With the radio on turned up so loud 
So no one hears you screaming 

To me, this illustrates the avoidant personality... I've read up a bit on shut in kids after watching a Japanese drama on them (I forgot the title of the drama but it hit home). I find it really painful to know that sometimes really the real world seem so dangerous, scary, pointless to some that they feel like shutting it all out together. And doing this really physically by hiding in their room and erecting physical barriers (their door) to the world outside. I've tried this...there was a time I just basically eat sleep and read/use computer and am in my room pretty much everyday. It didn't last long thankfully because this physical barrier just really escalates the internal disconnection to the world...like it's the final straw.


No you don't know what it's like 
When nothing feels all right 
You don't know what it's like To be like me 

I'm reminded by this stanza of Psalms 139:14..I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well....

Sometimes though, it's hard to keep in mind that we're all okay the way we are and just really loathe ourselves... and this usually stems from a lacking of understanding and acceptance of one's being.


Chorus
To be hurt 
To feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked
When you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 

This is just so sad.... :( :( :(

Welcome to my life 

Do you wanna be somebody else? 
Are you sick of feeling so left out? 
Are you desperate to find something more? Before your life is over 

This part about life being over and our fear of death, of missing out, of not having a fulfilling and fruitful life seem to be a common human problem. This search for SOMETHING to fill our self/souls/consciousness...We all find different ways to deal with it. Some through (good/bad) relationships, material acquisition, religious beliefs...

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? 
Are you sick of everyone around? 
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies 
While deep inside you're bleeding?

There are superficial people but then again, I can't expect people to be consistent since I'm not a stable person myself. We show different sides to different people and yup, this seems pretty subjective...But I agree there are times when it just feels so bleah with everyone cos I'm just overstimulated and need some 'me' time and not be grumpy with interaction with others. It's an introvert thing. I don't hate people but just can't seem to like them when I'm not in the mood too and am too tired for fake pleasantries. 


No one ever lied straight to your face 
No one ever stabbed you in the back 
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay 
Everybody always gave you what you wanted 
Never had to work, it was always there 
You don't know what it's like, what it's like 

Here there is this sort of comparison with some other 'better off' individuals. And yes, comparison is something I still very much struggle with today. I know that comparison rots the bones (Proverbs 14:30) and that it is a thief of joy but sometimes I still slip into this competitive mode that's way too negative and end up hurting myself. 


///I'm blogging so often again cos I've so much swirling thoughts/emotions all around my head and it's really kind of bad cos they're manifesting themselves physically into restlessness/sickness/pain/tiredness.

I need to get rid of them and so I'll be penning them down and hopefully this rids them off my mind.

Posts are short cos I've got limited attention span. I've never thought of myself as someone who possibly has ADHD but recently I'm starting to think it's the onset of adult ADHD which I've somehow managed to hide over the course of my childhood. But that's another long story altogether. Maybe next time.

Movie-The Lone Survivor

Gah. This movie made me cry so much. It's too heart-breaking.

Warning spoilers ahead. Anyway the movie title itself is a pretty big spoiler- you know only one person survivors from it right? xD

The movie opens with a scene of violent scene of someone getting beheaded for helping an American. And then flashes back to a few days prior.

A team of four was sent to apprehend/kill a Taliban leader responsible for having killed many Navy Seals. However, they were out of luck when they're spotted by an old man, a teenager and a child who are shepherds. Then they were faced with the moral/ethical dilemma of killing them so that they won't be comprised (dead men won't tell of their locations) or sparing them since they're unarmed civilians.

And so, since then they have to live with their choice (but sadly, only one got to literally live the choice) :(

I was very very very upset with the deaths of the other three. Their comradeship was really touching. It's really like a series of unfortunate events unfolding ever since that decision was made to kill/spare the shepherds.

The movie ends on a good note (the lone survivor was rescued). But technically it wasn't a good note since we know from the start of the movie that the man who helped him would be killed later by the Talibans.

Sigh.

And knowing that this was based on a true event just multiplied my emotions by x1000000000000000 .

Random musings

Have been reading a few books here and there...

I don't know if I'm reading to relax as a hobby or using it just as a means of escaping the reality...

Actually do why I read even matter?  As long as I read right?  Since books to me are like mental and spiritual food...

Just recently confirmed that i'm a highly sensitive person.  Am still learning to come to terms with that and accepting myself for who I am. It has been pretty painful.

The conflicting tendencies in myself just sometimes are too much to handle.

And school is getting way too dreadful. I know I'm blessed with the chance to get a college education and all that blah blah blah... but sometimes I just just can't do it anymore

And no is a sufficient statement right?  I'm resisting the urge to say no to everyone and everything and just trying to use my 'no's discerningly.

Book- The fault in our stars by John Green

I will be honest. I came to this book expecting some sort of sweet young love and yes, it did happen. But at the same time, it is both a depressing and hopeful book all mesh into one that at the end of it all, I can sort out my feelings.

I have so much emotions, thoughts etc from reading this. It was hard on my heart, the theme being one of death and cancer, which both are topics that are so taboo that people don't usually talk about. I mean, you don't go around asking people their thoughts on death, cancer and young lives lost do you?

But this book does just that. It's fiction, it's a narrative. Yet, it triggers your own reflections on your life, on your own thoughts of it all.

Especially Peter Van Hosten. How can one character be so awesome yet so horrible?! You can sympathise with him, but you do hate him for all his blunt and crude remarks too.

The part about cancer patients being failed experiments of evolution...it just hurts. The fragility of it all. How human lives seem so small and insignificant in these whole universe or whole population with billions of people. Some one dies, some one else is born right?

I haven't given much thoughts on death... mostly just being oh I can't take it anymore, I wanna die cos life is so pointless kind of rant... It's different when you talk about death in the point of view as someone who actually has limited time in life.

Reminds me of 'the last lecture' book... all these books are quite hard to stomach, but they are really inspirational...makes me realise how blessed I am.

Am starting on another book, the end of my life book club. will blog on that soon.

On a side note, I'm really sick of group project works. I take classes by myself and I really hate the get into groups part/asking people if I can be in their groups part. It's just... people like to be in cliques and I don't like that. I like freedom, and that doesn't really apply in a group project... will see how it goes. hopefully I can find others who are like me too and we can set up a ragtag group.

Some images of great quotes from the book found from google:

Angst

Just really angst and having trouble with my emotions.  Getting angry and upset way too easily.

It makes me feel that life is so pointless... I don't want to be defined and limited by my depression but at the same time it feels so freaking stifling and way too much to deal with.

It's not that I hate my life. I'm blessed and there are things to be thankful for. It's just that the idea that everything is temporary makes me lose the will to fight.  I feel like giving up, too tired from all the struggles.  But also, the idea of giving up disgusts me as I had already come so far. 

Praying.