Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Tumblr

Lately I have been on tumblr a lot. I like how all the pictures from blogs there seem to convey how I feel.

Isn't it weird/scary sometimes how pictures or just words can connect with you so much more than a real person can?

I'm just over thinking again. And that's dangerous. 

Growing up

One of my favourite childhood books of all time was Peter Pan.

I have always been fascinated with Neverland, the idea of not having to grow up.

When I was in my teens, I was on the contrary very desperate to grow up, harden my wings.  I wanted freedom.

But now I realized that freedom comes at a price. And at my early twenties,  there comes a time when I will struggle with dreaming or coming to terms with the harsh reality.

What happens when people around you ask you to grow up, to be more mature,  be more responsible and less lazy? 

By what and whose standards are they judging me? Evaluating me and then coming up with some kind of action plan for me to follow through for a ' good future'?

What happens when to people ADD,  depression and emotional sensitivity becomes excuses for laziness and under performance but not valid reasons for emotional expression and rest?

I'm just so sick of everything.  And I'm fearful of this me who is becoming increasingly angsty, bitter, cynical and distasteful for people and the things around me.

I'm so so tired.
But I know I'm still alive and perhaps one day this all will make sense.

For now, I guess I don't have to prove anything to anyone not even myself. 

Just hang on.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Book-Ceng Xu Nuo (Promise me a forever) by Tong Hua [English translation] Prologue





So I'm going to start on this book today and will also give a go at translating it from Chinese to English to share it with others. :) I've always benefited a lot from English translation in my kpop fandom (watching dramas/variety shows) and will like to give back somehow.


Will see how this goes. It will be a new side project for me to distract me from my ruminations.

Disclaimer: All rights reserved to whoever it should belong to. The Chinese work to Tong Hua and the translation here to me :)

Some Chinese folklore and mythology background related to the book:

Although there is no myth (shenhua 神話) of a god having created the universe like in most other cultures and religions, there are lots of popular tales of persons that helped to build up and to repair the world during a time of chaos and uncertainty. A lot of such myth originate in southern China whose cultures and phantastic beliefs differed from the more "realistic" attitude of the northern peoples. Those mythical persons are by no means godlike, but are rather part of the world they helped to construct. The most famous of this persons is Pan Gu 盤古, but there are also smaller figures like Nü Wa 女媧 and her brother or husband Fu Xi 伏羲 who repaired the world with dividers and ruler, or the heroical archer Lord Yi 后羿 who shut down eight of the nine existing suns to prevent the soil from burning out.

The Yellow Emperor (Huang Di [Huangdi] 黃帝) is thought to be the ancestor of the Chinese people. The clan of the Yellow Emperor (Huangdi zu 黃帝族) and the clan of Yan (Yandi zu 炎帝族) are thought to have represented the Qijia culture 齊家文化 in modern Gansu and Shaanxi provinces. Later these tribes might have moved to the east and founded the cultures of the Central Plain 中原 as basic cultures of Chinese civilization, with a people later named Huaxia 華夏 (or simply Hua 華 or Xia 夏) was told to have founded China's first dynasty, the Xia 夏. Other descendants of the Yellow Emperor's clan is a clan with the surname Ji 姬 who later founded the Zhou Dynasty 周. Ancestorship of the Yellow Emperor is often constructed to obtain legitimation for rulership. Even Non-Chinese tribes should later claim their descendency from the Yellow Emperor.
The Yellow Emperor's father was Shao Dian 少典, his actual name was Gongsun Xuanyuan 公孫軒轅 (Xuanyuan [Xuan Yuan] might also be a place name where his clan dwelled), his residence (or state) was Youxiong 有熊. The Yellow Emperor was the first of a line of cultural heroes that are venerated for their inventions. Xuan Yuan is said to has invented - also with the help of his ministers - wells, mortars, bow and arrow, cattle breeding, carts and ships, clothing, divination, mathematics, astronomy and calendar, musical notes (minister Ling Lun [Linglun] 伶倫), medicine and writing (minister Cang Jie [Cangjie] 倉頡). In early Chinese thought, every ruler is blessed by one of the Five Processes or Five Phases (wuxing 五行), that of Xuan Yuan was the earth (corresponding colour: yellow), hence his designation "Yellow Emperor".
As a universal ruler, the Yellow Emperor fought against and subdued improper and rebellious rulers and tribes, like Chi You (Chiyou) 蚩尤 in the battle of Zhuolu 涿鹿, the northern Hunzhou 葷粥 (said to be ancestors of the Xiongnu 匈奴), and the Red Emperor (Chi Di [Chidi] 赤帝, also called Yan Di, the "Emperor of the Fire") in the battle of Banquan 阪泉 (might be the same event as in Zhuolu). He replaced Shen Nong (Shennong) 神農 as the ruler of the world.
The main wife of the Yellow Emperor was Lei Zu (Leizu) 嫘祖 who invented spinning and weaving. The tomb of the Yellow Emperor(Huangdi Ling 黃帝陵) is in Qiaoshan 橋山, Huangling County 黃陵縣/Shaanxi. 

Source: http://www.chinaknowledge.de/History/Myth/mythology.html

\\
PROLOGUE

In the beginning, in this chaotic universe, there is a ruler. He is Emperor Pan Gu-the one who created the Heaven and Earth.

In those times, heaven and earth are not separated and of different realms. Humans lived on Earth and the Gods lived in the sacred mountains. Humans can meet the Gods by climbing the Heavenly stairs. And hence, the gods, the humans and the spirits coexisted and lived between the heaven and earth.

Emperor Pan Gu had three subordinates who he was closed to like siblings. Of them all, the one with the strongest magical powers was a women whose name has been long lost through the ages. It was only known that she established the Hua Xu Kingdom and hence future generations refer to her as Hua Xu. The other two subordinates were male, one was Sheng Nong who lived and protected the central Chinese plains and the other was Gao Xin who lived in the east and protected the place where the sun rose.

When Emperor Pan Gu passed away, the world was in chaos with wars. Hua Xu grew tired of the unending fights and hid herself by establishing the pretty and harmonious Hua Xu Kingdom. However, the reason she was remembered by future generations was not because she created Hua Xu Kingdom, but because of her son Fu Yi and her daughter Nv Wa.

Fu Yi and Nv Wa were judicious in their rule and were respected by all, finally putting an end to the war. From then, they became Emperor Fu Yi and Emperor Nv Wa. When peace was restored, the lands began to prosper.

A few thousand years later, Emperor Fu Yi passed away. Emperor Nv Wa was devastated and left the Hua Xu Kingdom, never to be seen again. This resulted in the decline of the FuYi and Nv Wa people.

In the Northwest deserts, there is an inconspicuous mountain, known as Mountain Xuan Yuan. At its foot lived the small and unknown heavenly clan known as the Xuan Yuan people. After a great ritual, the elder of the Xuan Yuan clan made the youngest hero of the clan the leader, against the wishes of the majority. Even then, he could not expected what will become of this young leader and the fine accomplishments that he would have achieved later on.

In just a few thousand years, the young leader expanded the Xuan Yuan clan so much that it became a threat to Shen Nong and Gao Xin. However, the two of them realised this too late and missed the best opportunity to kill him, unwillingly seeing Xuan Yuan achieve its status of becoming the third clan of great Gods, together with the Shen Nong and Gao Xin clans.

Among these three great clans, Shen Nong was the greatest and its leader was Emperor Yan and he ruled with kindness. Gao Xin clan was second to Shen Nong and its leader was Emperor Shun and he ruled respectfully. The last was the new comer Xuan Yuan and its leader was known as Huang Di (The Yellow Emperor) and he ruled with laws.

Since then, Shen Nong from the Central Plains, Gao Xin from the South East and Xuan Yuan from the Northwest each ruled over their lands and world was divided into three.




Patience...


Came across this prayer as I was googling 'having no patience with everything'.

I find myself very impatient and hot-tempered easily these days... And it worries me. Like I'm not able to be tolerant or anything. It seems like I lost my ability too, as if I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

And that scares me.

\\
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
rainer maria rilke

I know I've got lots of unresolved issues and sometimes it hurts so much to delve deeper into them and realising how shitty everything is/how much of a failure I am/why am I so loserish thinking about how epic of a failure I am.

This has to stop.
 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Song-Welcome to my Life






I love songs by simple plan. They relate very well to coming of age people like me and the problems associated with growing up.

Welcome to My Life (I love this title, it shows the ironic position of an angst teenage who hopes people can understand them and their life (welcome to my life) while the song lyrics are sort of the opposite (showing how hard it really is for people to understand)

Do you ever feel like breaking down? 
Do you ever feel out of place? 
Like somehow you just don't belong 
And no one understands you?


I think this relates very well to common problems in life- the feeling of loneliness, sadness, even depression and lost of emotional control at times... I find this especially true when I'm down in the pits of my depression spiral and feel like it really is me against the world. Sometimes though to be really rational... if I can't even totally understand myself how can I expect others to right? That again maybe God really knows and understands me but that's another case altogether...

Do you ever wanna runaway? 
Do you lock yourself in your room? 
With the radio on turned up so loud 
So no one hears you screaming 


To me, this illustrates the avoidant personality... I've read up a bit on shut in kids after watching a Japanese drama on them (I forgot the title of the drama but it hit home). I find it really painful to know that sometimes really the real world seem so dangerous, scary, pointless to some that they feel like shutting it all out together. And doing this really physically by hiding in their room and erecting physical barriers (their door) to the world outside. I've tried this...there was a time I just basically eat sleep and read/use computer and am in my room pretty much everyday. It didn't last long thankfully because this physical barrier just really escalates the internal disconnection to the world...like it's the final straw.


No you don't know what it's like 
When nothing feels all right 
You don't know what it's like 
To be like me 

I'm reminded by this stanza of Psalms 139:14..I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well....
Sometimes though, it's hard to keep in mind that we're all okay the way we are and just really loathe ourselves... and this usually stems from a lacking of understanding and acceptance of one's being.


Chorus
To be hurt 
To feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked
When you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 


This is just so sad.... :( :( :(

Welcome to my life 

Do you wanna be somebody else? 
Are you sick of feeling so left out? 
Are you desperate to find something more? 
Before your life is over 

This part about life being over and our fear of death, of missing out, of not having a fulfilling and fruitful life seem to be a common human problem. This search for SOMETHING to fill our self/souls/consciousness...We all find different ways to deal with it. Some through (good/bad) relationships, material acquisition, religious beliefs...

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? 
Are you sick of everyone around? 
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies 
While deep inside you're bleeding?


There are superficial people but then again, I can't expect people to be consistent since I'm not a stable person myself. We show different sides to different people and yup, this seems pretty subjective...But I agree there are times when it just feels so bleah with everyone cos I'm just overstimulated and need some 'me' time and not be grumpy with interaction with others. It's an introvert thing. I don't hate people but just can't seem to like them when I'm not in the mood too and am too tired for fake pleasantries. 


No one ever lied straight to your face 
No one ever stabbed you in the back 
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay 
Everybody always gave you what you wanted 
Never had to work, it was always there 
You don't know what it's like, what it's like 


Here there is this sort of comparison with some other 'better off' individuals. And yes, comparison is something I still very much struggle with today. I know that comparison rots the bones (Proverbs 14:30) and that it is a thief of joy but sometimes I still slip into this competitive mode that's way too negative and end up hurting myself. 


///I'm blogging so often again cos I've so much swirling thoughts/emotions all around my head and it's really kind of bad cos they're manifesting themselves physically into restlessness/sickness/pain/tiredness.

I need to get rid of them and so I'll be penning them down and hopefully this rids them off my mind.

Posts are short cos I've got limited attention span. I've never thought of myself as someone who possibly has ADHD but recently I'm starting to think it's the onset of adult ADHD which I've somehow managed to hide over the course of my childhood. But that's another long story altogether. Maybe next time.

Movie-The Lone Survivor




Gah. This movie made me cry so much. It's too heart-breaking.

Warning spoilers ahead. Anyway the movie title itself is a pretty big spoiler- you know only one person survivors from it right? xD

The movie opens with a scene of violent scene of someone getting beheaded for helping an American. And then flashes back to a few days prior.

A team of four was sent to apprehend/kill a Taliban leader responsible for having killed many Navy Seals. However, they were out of luck when they're spotted by an old man, a teenager and a child who are shepherds. Then they were faced with the moral/ethical dilemma of killing them so that they won't be comprised (dead men won't tell of their locations) or sparing them since they're unarmed civilians.

And so, since then they have to live with their choice (but sadly, only one got to literally live the choice) :(

I was very very very upset with the deaths of the other three. Their comradeship was really touching. It's really like a series of unfortunate events unfolding ever since that decision was made to kill/spare the shepherds.

The movie ends on a good note (the lone survivor was rescued). But technically it wasn't a good note since we know from the start of the movie that the man who helped him would be killed later by the Talibans.

Sigh.

And knowing that this was based on a true event just multiplied my emotions by x1000000000000000 .



Random musings

Have been reading a few books here and there...

I don't know if I'm reading to relax as a hobby or using it just as a means of escaping the reality...

Actually do why I read even matter?  As long as I read right?  Since books to me are like mental and spiritual food...

Just recently confirmed that i'm a highly sensitive person.  Am still learning to come to terms with that and accepting myself for who I am. It has been pretty painful.

The conflicting tendencies in myself just sometimes are too much to handle.

And school is getting way too dreadful. I know I'm blessed with the chance to get a college education and all that blah blah blah... but sometimes I just just can't do it anymore

And no is a sufficient statement right?  I'm resisting the urge to say no to everyone and everything and just trying to use my 'no's discerningly.

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