On writing

I want to write. Since I was young, I've enjoyed reading, narratives, stories and thoughts so much. Writing is then an outlet for me to digest what I've consumed.

But, I don't know when it had began, I began to fear and hate writing.

Because writing my thoughts out is like making permanent all these free flowing stuff I have in my head. And I am a private person. Of course I can choose to write in a private journal, yet that's hardly what I do as I am kinda squirmish about my handwriting. I like the neatness of type fonts. And the paragraphing and the straight lines and the equal spacing. All these unachievable (at least for me) and very effortful to pen down decently and legitimately in my penmanship. And all these will probably just distract me from writing.

Okay, that was probably all excuses. In a nutshell,  I'm just lazy.

But I want to change. I've been impacted and inspired so much by stuffs I read from the Internet. Articles. Blogs. Websites. I want to have a tiny little voice here too on this blog. And maybe it's digital permenance is something I can live with as reading through often makes me feel like I've lived. I was alive. And I'm still alive today to be typing this.

I hope. I really do hope. That I will continue writing. Through all my fears, doubts,  insecurities and anxieties that I will continue putting one word at a time down.

It doesn't have to be long. All that matters was that I've spoken, even if my voice is trembling and I desperately wish I'm having sore throat so I'd have some excuses to stop talking. But I'm given a voice for a reason. And it's a privilege to be literate. Don't waste it. And don't ever feel like your voice doesn't matter.

Consistency

I'm working on this.

I really am.

It's just... hard for me to be consistent.

I struggle a lot with this...

But I will work on this.

I guess it's my fear of having to oblige, to be boxed in, to be restricted that led me to such erratic behaviours and inconsistency.

perhaps being aware is the first step... I just have to plough on and take the next few steps.

Praying for strength for this.

And to pick things up from where I left them (which includes finishing up my barely started 1st chapter translation for ceng xu nuo)

I can do this.  Healing isn't easy. It's painful. It's slow. It's endless.

I will always have some kind of flaws. I will always have problems.

But I should stop defining myself, wallowing in my self pity.
It's not about me really. I'm just this one person out of the billions of people on earth.

So insignificant. But I mattered to God, to Jesus.

He saved me. And the least I can do is to be thankful that I'm still alive, still typing away here on this blog.

Still coming back time after time. Even when I just feel like abandoning everything and I don't know live like an ostrich with my head buried in the ground?

I'm barely making sense. Life doesn't make sense. It probably doesn't have to. I'm just driving myself mad trying to comprehend happenings that are not meant to be understood.

Just. Take it slow.

Slow but you're still going on. That's good enough. You're taking that deep breath that's keeping you alive. That's good enough.

You're trying to be functional. That's good enough.  Stop with all the guilt and comparison.

The truth will set you free.  You're still trapped. Because you're still confined to the prison bars in your mind.

You're like rapunzel except you willingly hide yourself in the tower, not going out into the world, not letting anyone in. How can anyone come in when you had your hair cut so short and sharp?

Just.
Just.
Just.
Live. And let live.

You can do this.  The road is still long. Don't stand rooted in the spot because the road is so unclear. Don't let fear paralyse you. Pick yourself up. You have the greatest saviour with you, He has your back. 

Movie- Rurouni Kenshi: Kyoto Inferno

Just finished a test today and decided to reward myself with a movie at the last minute.

So yup this movie was a last minute decide to watch kind of movie which differs from my usual this is what I want to watch movies that I normally watch as soon as they are released.

But yeah it was a nice movie! ! Part of why I kept putting this movie off was probably cos I haven't watched the first part and this was the sequel and I didn't like watching sequels without having watched the first part.

This is where wikipedia comes in. xD haha helps a lot in understanding the plot.

And I liked how although it's a fictional piece, there are historical settings and groundings to the movie.  And I really love the landscape. The old Kyoto scenes. I've never been to Kyoto and this made me wanna go there so bad. As well as Nara.

The samurai theme is very dominant, much like other movies such as The Last Samurai and 47 Ronin. But what differs is how Kenshin don't want to kill people anymore.

And I find that so hard. I mean it requires so much more technique to just knock people out cos you have to keep cautious of not killing them instead. Seriously that's a huge disadvantage when your opponents are putting all 100% for the death blow.

And maybe that's what's endearing. The struggle between having the power to kill and the actual act of killing. 

And all these fights for power for peace.  Does the end justify the means? Be it katakana or guns or just fists, people die in wars for the so called peace that doesn't last for long. 

But anyway, I'm definitely going to watch the sequel now. Such a cliffhanger.  Though I sort of know the ending already from wikipeding the manga.

Movie- The maze runner

I'm usually a book over movie adaptation person.  Usually. Since I'd like the idea of imagining my own casts and picking my pace of the story (ie. you can flip pages of a book but you can't fast foward parts in cinemas)

But this movie was awesome. so good that I prefer it over the book. I hadn't liked the ending of the first book (shall not say what it is no spoilers) so I had stopped and didn't read the second and third book.

Yet, this movie was so good that I went to read the next two books.  Okay the plots for these were okay (you kind of know how it's headed at the end of book one) but it got me really excited about the movie adaptations. 

Or probably just cos the choice of cast was wonderful!! Love Minho and Newt there!

And the maze was so breathtaking. They could probably just leave the maze setup there after filming and make it a tourist attraction and I'm sure people will want to visit it.

Can't wait for the next movie!!!

For now, let's anticipate the 3rd hunger games movie that'll be out in November!

Movie-The Hundred Foot Journey

This's a really nice movie in a while. 

The movie's about the story of an Indian family moving to France and their opening of an Indian family restaurant opposite a Michelin one star French restaurant. 

A success(?) story of how an Indian boy chef went from zero to hero. I guess even his success is contestable.  What does one consider success?  Having your loved ones with you and opening a homey family restaurant,  working hard together? Or is it the prestige associated with working at highly rated Michelin star restaurants? 

How much you're willing to compromise and adapt as an immigrant... these are heavy issues masked by a very pretty french landscape and yummy looking cuisines.

I really love the village vibe in the setting. The suburban landscape and farmer's market. The nature.

This contrasts so much with the city life with I so love and hate at the same time.

Perhaps I can start by learning how to cook an omelette. 

Again and again

Back here for rants...
I know it's ironic that I'm trying so hard to be happy but yet these attempts make me sadder than ever.

I don't know if my depression is recurring or I'm simply just overwhelmed and need the space and time alone.

Sometimes I just want to run away to a place with nobody so I can just be by myself. Without any outside or societal influence. But I know that's just wishful thinking cos I'm not all that brave and eager to throw myself out of my comfort zone either.

It's perhaps just school, skipping school, feeling stupid and out of place in school and at home that are getting to me. All the negative thoughts and feelings. I don't really know how to effectively manage them. Or perhaps I don't want to manage them cos I feel like suppressing them robs me of authenticity.

Maybe it's just me and my quarter life crisis.

Movie- Into the Wild

This movie is haunting. 

It's been a month since I watch the DvD and I still find my thoughts wandering on this movie. On Chris McCandleless or rather Alex Supertramp.

I could identify a lot with Chris (except I'm not as smart as he is). And he's definitely way more determined than I am. I find myself becoming very lazy (though I'd like to think of that as conserving my extremely limited supply of energy) and complacent in that I dont follow through with plans.

I am like him in that i'm resistant to the idea of power and oppression, on the state of society,  or all those power inequality issues that one studies about in sociology. How the rich get richer and the poor gets poorer (people may disagree but really, what I'm talking about is in general. Of course there will be people that can move up the economic ladder and stuff. But look at the price they have to pay for it to happen. Is it worth it? How people become so broken by their experiences that they can never be whole again).

but I'm unlike him in that I don't follow through with plans.  I get sick of stuffs easily, I start on projects and dont follow through. I guess it's cos I don't know what I want so I try something and then give up. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with finding out what I want. Like can't I just suck it up, get through it and finish it up. I can't and that's a problem. I lack the self discipline that I once was so proud of.  I just find it really pointless in the temporal state of things that I've been losing my drive. The only thing I can still be glad about is that I still moving or rather crawling painfully on my road to the future. That i'm still holding on although I don't know if the pain is killing me or making me stronger.

So yes I've had fantasy of leaving everything behind and going solo like chris did. Except perhaps not into the wild. I can't hunt, I'm helpless with gathering and okay this is such a joke but I'm afraid of the dark. And being in the wild meant being in the dark alone, without the city lights and noises to keep me sane. I will probably go crazy.

Of course there are debates about responsibilities and stuff about how selfish chris' s action are. But one has to understand that these are all judgements on people. Who are we to judge? You don't know what he went through to become the person he is. You don't know what I experienced to have become this person that I am today. You don't see the litres of tears that I cried behind the plastered smile that I have on my face.

So please. Stop with all the hate and judgement. I know I'm guilty of these as well. I judge and compare myself to others.  But all it does was made me feel worse off.

So I try to be a better person. I'm learning to love more or rather to simply just hate less.

And hopefully one day I can say to myself that yes I am proud of you of having taken that big step. It doesn't have to me be about going into the wild literally, but maybe metaphorically into the wild places of my heart where love and understanding had once been.