Movie- Into the Wild

This movie is haunting. 

It's been a month since I watch the DvD and I still find my thoughts wandering on this movie. On Chris McCandleless or rather Alex Supertramp.

I could identify a lot with Chris (except I'm not as smart as he is). And he's definitely way more determined than I am. I find myself becoming very lazy (though I'd like to think of that as conserving my extremely limited supply of energy) and complacent in that I dont follow through with plans.

I am like him in that i'm resistant to the idea of power and oppression, on the state of society,  or all those power inequality issues that one studies about in sociology. How the rich get richer and the poor gets poorer (people may disagree but really, what I'm talking about is in general. Of course there will be people that can move up the economic ladder and stuff. But look at the price they have to pay for it to happen. Is it worth it? How people become so broken by their experiences that they can never be whole again).

but I'm unlike him in that I don't follow through with plans.  I get sick of stuffs easily, I start on projects and dont follow through. I guess it's cos I don't know what I want so I try something and then give up. I don't even know why I'm so obsessed with finding out what I want. Like can't I just suck it up, get through it and finish it up. I can't and that's a problem. I lack the self discipline that I once was so proud of.  I just find it really pointless in the temporal state of things that I've been losing my drive. The only thing I can still be glad about is that I still moving or rather crawling painfully on my road to the future. That i'm still holding on although I don't know if the pain is killing me or making me stronger.

So yes I've had fantasy of leaving everything behind and going solo like chris did. Except perhaps not into the wild. I can't hunt, I'm helpless with gathering and okay this is such a joke but I'm afraid of the dark. And being in the wild meant being in the dark alone, without the city lights and noises to keep me sane. I will probably go crazy.

Of course there are debates about responsibilities and stuff about how selfish chris' s action are. But one has to understand that these are all judgements on people. Who are we to judge? You don't know what he went through to become the person he is. You don't know what I experienced to have become this person that I am today. You don't see the litres of tears that I cried behind the plastered smile that I have on my face.

So please. Stop with all the hate and judgement. I know I'm guilty of these as well. I judge and compare myself to others.  But all it does was made me feel worse off.

So I try to be a better person. I'm learning to love more or rather to simply just hate less.

And hopefully one day I can say to myself that yes I am proud of you of having taken that big step. It doesn't have to me be about going into the wild literally, but maybe metaphorically into the wild places of my heart where love and understanding had once been. 

Tumblr

Lately I have been on tumblr a lot. I like how all the pictures from blogs there seem to convey how I feel.

Isn't it weird/scary sometimes how pictures or just words can connect with you so much more than a real person can?

I'm just over thinking again. And that's dangerous. 

Growing up

One of my favourite childhood books of all time was Peter Pan.

I have always been fascinated with Neverland, the idea of not having to grow up.

When I was in my teens, I was on the contrary very desperate to grow up, harden my wings.  I wanted freedom.

But now I realized that freedom comes at a price. And at my early twenties,  there comes a time when I will struggle with dreaming or coming to terms with the harsh reality.

What happens when people around you ask you to grow up, to be more mature,  be more responsible and less lazy? 

By what and whose standards are they judging me? Evaluating me and then coming up with some kind of action plan for me to follow through for a ' good future'?

What happens when to people ADD,  depression and emotional sensitivity becomes excuses for laziness and under performance but not valid reasons for emotional expression and rest?

I'm just so sick of everything.  And I'm fearful of this me who is becoming increasingly angsty, bitter, cynical and distasteful for people and the things around me.

I'm so so tired.
But I know I'm still alive and perhaps one day this all will make sense.

For now, I guess I don't have to prove anything to anyone not even myself. 

Just hang on.